i realize how much she is just like the others

9:52 p.m. x 2005-09-17

i'm way too invested in things that hang over my head. i'm way too into possibilities. i'm way too into waiting around and darting my eyes and yanking my attention to the same door. i'm way too into seeing how fast i can get a customer through my line so that i can go back to staring at his head bobbing around the aisles until he sees me and comes over and says SOMETHING.

cause i want to hang out with him and listen to whatever he has to say to me about anything. about cereal, sponge, or baseball. anything. anything. anything.

if this is being sycophantic, i am shaking it off so that i do not mill around work in a lustful flutter EVER AGAIN. cause that made today damn weird. i'm not in a lustful flutter if (?!) it is just he & i. it's the presence of others that generates it. being around him is easy. being around everybody else is tense and difficult.

no pressure please please please do not think that if i was hanging around with you i'd want to kiss you or anything! please don't think that! all i want to do is hang out with you and listen to you because i think you're fun to be around, i don't want to put pressure on you or make you uncomfortable! it's gonna make me cry if you think a thing like that!

(i think that i think that my affection is deeply offensive to others, i have that concept embeded, that "i like you" is grounds for being classified "repellant", you will not get far in undoing this perception. he would if he would go someplace with me like the movies or THE FUCKING BOWLING ALLEY!)

this is actually totally inappropriate and will ultimately be devastating and i know it. unless he wants to really freak me out and smile at me, tell me how much my mix cd kicks his ass, and ask me for my number so that we can frequently hang out and play catch or make noise on each others' instruments (i have a beautiful, fully-functioning bass now with an e string, an amp, a connector cable, and a strap! glory be).

i don't think that i could hurt him if we just did that. i don't think that i would be a bad thing. i'd like to be given a chance (should i be given a chance after everything? i think that i should, when i think about him, and just that he is very cool and i enjoy his company...you see i have to justify it so much i can't just say the truth, i can't just say I LIKE YA because that would be KILLER KARMA that would eat up your soul like a plague of lustful locusts AND THEN YOU'D NEVER FEEL SAFE AGAIN).

i don't like it when i do this very much. but he deserves it more than most of the other people who have made me this way.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11