You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i heard the most monumentally WEIRD four-page letter today. i had to bite my arm very hard to redirect what feelings were being generated by it. it was basically a really awkward, choppy, denial-ridden, infatuated wording of things i've been yammering to the point of hysterics for the better part of the past two months.

the next logical step would be to get the hell away from me and my friend.

to be perfectly frank i'm not feeling too great at the prospect of you living down the street from me now. from me, from almost all of my friends, and with that lack of decency you have that you would show up repeatedly at her house - if you do that to me, i'm not going to comfort you. i'm OVER THE MOTHERFUCKING MOON that things went the way I WANTED THEM TO! things are stupendous now. she's happy. i'm happy. you're unhappy and you have every right to be - you "lost" your girlfriend because that was fucked up and really disgusting in the first place and decency should have dictated that you both refrain but you didn't, and you put some nice dents in your "friend" in the mean time (i am still so, SO bitter about the principle of that and haven't yet gotten over the resentment and the feeling of being completely used by both parties). so what do you want? do you want me to shove that all aside? "i'm not ignoring you - i'm too busy and shweetheaht comes first!" - FUCK YOU. I WORK. I GO TO COLLEGE. BOTH PLACES ARE NOWHERE NEAR MY FUCKING HOUSE. I SEE MY BEST FRIENDS ONCE A WEEK IF NOT MORE. hey. i'm sore about shit like that. i all ready got the cold shoulder from a best friend but at least she stuck to her decision and has never called me, even if she didn't have anybody else to call, and at least her integrity's intact (as opposed to mine - i've tried to call her on occassion...).

pff. yeah. he pissed me off. he provided a major, glaring hole of suck in an all ready emotionally fragile period. he played upon everything that would get my best friend to act like a total bitch to me and vice-versa.

conclusion: catie deserves sainthood for what she puts up with. i couldn't do that. i'd be hiding places and i'd develop extreme nervous ticks. i used to have that. if i was around people too long i'd start hiding and getting really freaked out and i'd tick. i have a hard time being social, even though i really like people. it isn't that i don't like socializing, it's just a difficult thing, and experiences like this don't make it any different.

on another note: the power went out everywhere today and, when i got home from class, i hung out with clare and we had a blast. i felt so TERRIBLE all day and that made me feel a lot better. i also saw porn for...i guess the first time? i've seen amateur things. it was kind of tactless for me, except the dita video. the dita video was lovely, as were clare's cookies (which i mean in an entirely non-sexual, peanut butter and ovaltine sort of way...or do i?).

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)