1:05 a.m. x 2005-11-30
last night i fell asleep listening to the "mulholland drive" soundtrack and hugging my xmas bear. i don't remember tangible things about just a little while ago, all my memories are severely abstract. i remember great big blocks of wonderful and murky, terrible holes in different years. i know i have this, and i have written records, and i have FRIENDS who saw the same things, but i have a lot locked away.
and i can say "oh i went through this, i had this" cause i know i did, but i can't put myself back there. out of nowhere. other things can.
i'm nowhere near at all at my bleakest, but i have it near me. i'm remembering it and i'm keeping it around so that i KNOW where not to go. i don't have any compulsions or addictions and that's great, i'm glad i don't...
i guess because i've had something really bad done to me, and i only know one way to respond, and i can't respond that way. like i know i was responding by the time i saw "kill bill vol. 2". i know i was listening to imogen heap a lot just because i remember writing the lyrics to "shine" on something and showing it to my best friend at the time, and i was inwardly frantic and really wanting her to know about things; she didn't really care...
the scariest, most bottomless-pit moment that i can remember was sitting on a table in an art club meeting, and the thoughts that were occurring to me. i'd like to be able to say those thoughts NEVER occurred to me AGAIN. i don't have compulsions, but things lurk. i don't resolve things. a lot comes back to me. just hits me randomly. wanders back.
i wonder if i'm any different now.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start