today i'm not grieving, i'm not even sad

2:08 a.m. x 2005-12-25

i am one scary person.

it bothers me to have myself nearby a lot of the time.

i am grappling.

i am not doing things, i am not committing acts, i am spending all of my time in trances concentrating on not doing things.

i try to find things. i try to think of things and i meet a wall. i can't get to every place that would be useful. i'm not collected.

i am angry. i'm so angry and i think about so many horrible things when i'm angry and i accept that. i know that it's a thing about me i've got and i've got to deal with it. it's fucking scary, it's fucking terrible, but it's there. i'm not okay with it, i'm okay that it's there.

everybody has bad shit about them. i'm not about to get melodramatic about my quirks. it's a set-back is all.

because i'm so angry right now, i can't function. and i'd like to function. i'd like to get angry like a normal person gets angry and i'd like you to understand like a normal person understands when they've done something wrong.

[i ran into a girl. i have nothing but blind repulsion for this girl. didn't like her when i knew her. she went up to me and spoke to me like we were still friends, like we'd spoken yesterday. there wasn't even anything awkward about it it was exactly like we used to speak to one another and i hate her. i mean that's absolutely it - not even "hate", not even that important, i just blatantly don't like her, there's nothing good there, that was a horrible time...and as soon as i saw her i slipped into this thing, this drive, and walked away and had pretty much the same reaction as the above entry. i don't really...i'm not into that about me, that i'm not completely "present" cause it just gets fucking inconvinient. that's not really what i'm mad about, though. i can't direct my feelings worth shit. like, that's not great either but i'm saying...that isn't any great big deal. this isn't a self-pitying entry because i don't really bother me one way or the other. like, i have good days and bad days when it comes to me but really average shit, i don't have deep-seated self-loathing really. if i do, i mean, it isn't something i'd know about because i'm really partitioned. i know that some people have done some really bad shit, i'd probably know more if i wasn't so partitioned, that's it in a nutshell, it's xmas, i had a great time out at UU. i can appreciate good things and accept bad things. holy fuck, self - i'm making a promise to me, all right, i'm going to tattoo it, carve it, sear it into the flesh of my forearm: if my kid is upset, i get off the fucking phone and it doesn't matter if it's his birthday, jesus' birthday, yodah's birthday, stalin's birthday, ramadan - if s/he's got a problem, it's worth hearing about. s/he will know that his/her feelings are justified and appropriate to have and will build healthy ways of dealing with them, i.e. identifying them, talking about them, understanding them, etc...

i want to take a knife to everyone who has misread my actions since august.

that felt better.]

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11