9:45 p.m. x 2006-01-19

i think i may be treading (leaping) over that line from interested to sycophantic. i think there's supposed to be a phase between that, but i think that i ate it.

i really hate...no, you know, i love what i feel but i hate how i feel it. my feelings are not benevolent entities. they actually suck.

actually i'm just sick of hearing about it. i tried crying today but i wound up worse: i walled-out what was upsetting me. i stood completely away from it. talk about extra-super-useless.

moving on:

alex took me on a very special after school field trip to excitement video! excitement video far surpasses mature fantasy on every single concievable level, holy shit. i still haven't been carded, and i saw a black dildo the size of my midsection! that was worth waking up this morning, hallelujah.

also well-worth the price of admission was clare & i communicating in freezing-noises and kara's tender recounting of the epic youth retreat! now i'm chatting with jimmy, and i'm much, MUCH calmer than i was throughout the day.

...i have to go back to excitement video with money...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)