and when i let him in i feel my stitches getting sicker; i try to wash him out but like they said: the blood is thicker

7:25 p.m. x 2006-02-24

"i read his diary today and, i have to say, that is some pretentious shit."

i can't un-train myself when it comes to feeling really bad when things aren't going great for others. nothing could be better with regards to me right now, except for maybe HAVING CLASS (i didn't have class today, there was a bomb threat instead [?!?!?!?!?!?]). i shouldn't feel bad for people fucking up their own shit, especially when i fall under the category of shit getting fucked up, and my best friend falls under said category as well, i shouldn't feel bad. i just shouldn't feel about any of it.

i feel embarrassed for him. i feel sad he has to knot it up like that. i feel sad he can't see what he's got. cooovet, looove it, learn to raaape...i watched "family guy" with mandy today, and that was cool. would've been better had i not been really sick.

ah. geesh. what's gonna happen? is your life really gonna be that bleak? i surrendered my power with regards to that. i just never wished that on you.

i'm gonna rest my limbs and get over the bruises. i wonder what kind of feelings you have about me. i don't have any concept of you caring for me, in the friend sense or the human sense or anything beyond, and not in a self-depreciating posture. not at all. i just don't think it's a factor to you. i'm not in your scope. that's your loss, i make great in a scope. but yeah, i hurt. nothing profound, i just do. and now you hurt worse, you just can't win.

and when you hear about how i hurt, is it gonna freak you out like it did? that other people care about me? that maybe that was out of line? YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO TAKE THE TRUTH & CONSEQUENCE. even if justice is served, even if you get what you deserve...

you're never going to acknowledge this. this thing that could fuck up your thing that you've been building up around. that you don't even own up to. it's like you were asleep. okay. but wake up now, cause people might starting inquiring as to your sleepwalking.

but it's all intellectual blockage. my heart has clarity...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11