You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

this is ridiculous.

no one can destroy my self-esteem but me. but that's exactly what i'm doing. i'm comparing myself to somebody else. it makes me question whether or not i feel adequate with myself.

of course i'm a perfectly adequate person. but sometimes i think about the kind of person i would like to be. like if i woke up and i was this THERE WOULD BE NO STOPPING ME.

granted, this is the very attitude i have now. for what i've got and what i am, i am so freaking dynamic and excited about everything. i'm really capable. i just have this thing. this nagging, this pleading, this wishing.

i spoke of it briefly here. it is so pervasive and constant. it is so deep and so isolating. BUT I'M NOT READY TO CONFRONT IT HEAD-ON YET. me, who really doesn't give a shit whether or not she's ready for something and does it anyway. miss reckless abandon. this is big.

i think that now that things are turning around, that i'm feeling this freedom, i should start to acknowledge it. not just nod at it and see that it's there and act around it. get to know it. examine that side of myself. maybe it's just to be gotten out of my system. maybe it's something i can get along with.

maybe it'll fix everything.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)