12:39 p.m. x 2006-10-06
last night was a blast, but yesterday overall was a very rotten flashback episode to days like this one
. my heart wouldn't stop beating like absolutely fucking crazy...i don't remember exactly whether or not that was the day i had revelatory heat stroke or what...nope, nope, that was the end of the month, now that i look back. but that day was pretty murky. i went and walked around all day. i didn't go home. i actually could not at the time, and there isn't any explanation offered if you read back. on the eigteenth of may, i wrote an entry earlier in the day, then the next day i talk about absolutely nothing...then suddenly on the twentieth i am googling "arson". yeah. something happened on the eighteenth. not some ominous "something"...nothing terrifying at all. it was pretty important, and the aftermath was harrowing. really harrowing. that has all since been resolved...it's a very good memory now. but my body just felt it over again yesterday. by taking a walk, i was kind of repeating events, but it did serve to steady my heart rate and calm me down, and i felt a hell of a lot better when amanda plucked me off the side of the road and took me out with lexi. i was really disappointed in myself with my banter and my insecurity. CAN I NOT FUCKING WORRY ABOUT THAT FOR ONE MOMENT AND ENJOY THE COMPANY OF MY FRIENDS??!!!?!?!?!! for fuck's sake, kari...really...yeah. hey, at least you know i'm aware of it. amanda had some freaking out to do as well. we sat in front of panera/coconuts after they closed while it rained (not in the rain, mind you, we weren't aiming for it to look that desolate). she came back and crashed on my floor.
ignore it. gyah. it's stupid. you know it.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start