the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time

11:09 p.m. x 2006-10-22

i love audio commentaries. david cronenberg makes long, ill-timed pauses in his speech. i feel a kinship. i have a few videos of myself talking (these ones no one's seen because they're rambling, uninviting diatribes from a bit ago) and my manner of speech gets me every time. i try not to linger on it or watch myself very often. it's nuts. introspection is good but i've filled my quota.

i talked to my aunt about that. the sudden embracing of externality and mindless activities. i'm really burnt out. luckily...i'm in a good place creatively, for which i'm quite lucky. that's keeping my focus clear. but i have been more prone than ever to doing stuff to take my mind off things. not to redirect my energy, but to elliminate the output of energy. mindless things. i've never been like that before,'s a little jarring. i was really upset with myself for a while. i'm accepting of it now. it's just a process that i'll come out of. i've done too much. i've exhausted resources. i need to refuel.

i will emerge victorious. i have good things ahead of me. i am optimistic. i am excited. i am determined. for all the external concentration of energy...part of that used to manifest in CONTSTANTLY needing to be talking to or with somebody else. or panicking. i hated to be by myself for a while. a lot in february and may, then just recently. i hate being like that. i LOVE being near my friends, but NEEDING miserable. feeling okay alone is pretty important. enjoying solitary activity is vital. i've let a lot of things that make me happy fall by the wayside and they're warming me over now.

audio commentaries, for example. "videodrome" has TWO. i'm in heaven. i bought that DVD the other day, along with a few books about screenwriting. heavy emphasis is placed on writing every day, and i'm glad that i am able to do that again. i know that i've said that to a lot of people now but that's because it's really serious. that is one of the most important things to me.

i'm so warm and calm inside
i no longer have to hide
let's talk about someone else
steaming soon begins to melt
nothing really bothers her
she just wants to love herself
i will move away from here
you won't be afraid of fear

because i write in here for myself, and generally not as any sort of statement to other people...i don't think of it as "i just quoted nirvana". i think of it as "i just mumbled some lyrics to myself". shitty reasoning. i felt it necessary to pull out nirvana.

all i need is sleep. it's good to arrive at the point where i know it.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11