love amongst the linden trees

9:33 a.m. x 2007-03-20

there's a gentleman nearby listening to rap so loudly on his headset. it's absurd and kind of making me angry. you're supposed to be quiet in here.

i'm skipping math to do philosophy work. ERGH. and avoiding my philosophy work so i can write in here. i apologizing for never ever writing coherent, what-i'm-actually-up-to-and-how-i'm-feeling entries and leaving you (...whoever you are...) with these esoteric little snippets.

if ever i write an angry entry, i erase it as soon as it's down. i don't want to look back in anger. i get fumbly and apprehensive writing explicitly about my exploits because i don't have a sense of my audience, which i should never have cared about anyway. this is my diary. and it'll be around for a good while, whether or not anyone else is to actually read it.

but i was looking over it. every entry last year from march to june fourth is about my utter disorientation and despair with the ungluing of every comfort i'd had up until then and my desperate desire to be with jimmy. it is under every word. i just should've written that every day. from june fourth until july seventeenth was my stretch of hermitdom, virtually friendless and becoming acquainted with ken. ken is a wonderful friend, and i feel bad for having to subject him to the bleak and turbulent time i had when he met me.

i was walling-up and tired of everything i'd been through, and then jimmy asked me out. july twentieth is the next entry, in which i explainish the sequence of eventsish. after that there's my rambling state of hormonal question marks and moral dilemmas as things sour into the rotten hell that was august twenty-ninth through october tenth, or, for eloquence's sake, the month of september, which i brutally despise anyway.

august twenty-ninth through october tenth, jimmy and i weren't dating. he broke up with me on the twenty-ninth, and the following day we discussed a purely physical venture. that didn't sit well with him by the end of the week, and after some sasstastic venting he arrived at the glaring fact that we broke up on absurd terms. he spent the remainder of the month exercising all the bad judgement he had, very nearly surrendering association with me. in the end a chat behind a church evened things out. he asked me back out on the tenth of october, and we took it in stride after that. much discussion, deliberation, affection and understanding has laid a fantastic groundwork. i'm still sensitive and weird but by and large it is a remarkably smooth machine, our relationship. and i am very very happy, and feel very very lucky. i value our differences and that we make each other think, his sincerity and compassion. i have seen him grow up vast amounts since i've known him. and he has the greatest smile i have ever seen. mmmm.

i just thought i'd clarify, since all of that's pretty dense and i don't say much outright. it all just makes me happier about where i am now. but god does it make me realize how poorly i am at articulating where that is.

eleven days til decemberissssssssts. bitchesss. i've got INCOME TAX with which to purchase a potential shirt or other such novelty, and that's well and good, but the best thing i could get would be photographs. not even of the band, necessarily, just of jimmy decemberisting with me. i'm so happy. AAAAAGH.

i should complete this paper, however. but now i've thoroughly distracted myself. communal computer labs are absolutely no place to be horny. jesus.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11