You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i want to learn about the way people think and act, i want to write about it, i want to live comfortably in a victorian-style house and i want a family i get along with. i do not want to alienate my kids, resent my job, or ever surrender what i love. i don't feel like i'll ever have to, though, and i'm very secure about that. i'm also secure that that won't all pop up for me in an instant. i don't look at getting there as work. i look at it as what happens. and i like it. because no matter what, i have a very good sense of myself and the things that i do that make me happy. i know what i like. i know what i want. i'm quite a secure person.

that doesn't mean i don't get scared and sometimes just need you to shhhhhh and hug me. all throughout my childhood (i am not kidding), i did not rely on my parents to understand things. i got in trouble at school once and ran home screaming and crying and my mom got scared of me and wouldn't speak to me about it. my parents always expected me to fight my own battles with teachers, and i had a turbulent high school career. every piece of advice they ever gave me, they contradicted. actually, it was just my mother. my dad has just sort of hung out.

the single most devastating thing my dad ever did to me was, we used to go on walks together every afternoon and he wouldn't really talk, he'd just listen to me talk about the stuff i liked. one day i asked my dad if he could name three of my interests. he couldn't.

and i really handled all of that like "oh well, fine then" and toughed it out and relied on other things to provide comfort and understanding. it wouldn't have been as not-bad as it was had i not had very very good friends. i have amazing friends. but because i lack that core, i guess, that's why. i just need you to hold my hand sometimes. just to encourage me.

if my mother asks to play "girlfriend" by avril lavigne in the car tomorrow, i'm going to fucking cry and pitch a fit that'd make veruca salt embarrassed.

i should be more assertive.

edit: i totally didn't reflect upon the events of my day in this entry. haha, well, jimmy and i finally got caught getting down. but not by any parents. we drive out behind a storage shed. an elderly couple drove up behind us. and just...stayed there. we don't know if they got his license plate number or something, or if they were just entertained. but...HAHAHAHA. oh my god. it was pretty wacky.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)