3:35 a.m. x 2007-07-13

at present, i punch out maybe $62 dollars a week, average. i only work weekends. i work a total of ten hours max if i'm scheduled both saturday and sunday. it isn't very much at all, but i never complain.

i really like film, and criterion collection dvds never go below $15 and are typically more $29.99-$49.99, but that's what i like. so if i want one, i'll spend the money and i won't complain, because that's what makes me happy. i like to eat out with my friends. i like sushi, which not too many of my friends like, so if i have to blow $50 for sushi for a friend and i to get them to try it, i'll do it because that's what i want. and i won't bitch about it, because that was fucking amazing sushi (it always is [and tonight i am grateful because amanda did that for me today, a complete surprise - thank you amanda]).

i've had the same cell phone since 1999. you can't send me a picture or a video and i can't download music but it gets better reception than any of my friends' brand new phones. i am lucky enough to have an ipod. i have a decade old desktop computer and if i have to bring it to college due to lack of funds, that's fine with me because it does what i want it to do, it's comparatively free, and it's served me well so far. if i don't get a laptop, i won't complain. i have a computer. i'm fine.

and i'm fine without a car or the ability to drive. i am getting my permit and i will have the skill but i am FINE without it. i don't complain. public transit doesn't trouble me. i'm very used to and fine with it. i like walking, i need all the exercise i can get anyway.

all i need to be happy is to see the people i love now and then and to write. and for the most part those things are free.

money can really piss me off sometimes. i'm not materialistic. the things i own i love because they provoke thought. most of my possessions are books, albums and films. all the things i own are specific to my personality. i never throw away letters or trinkets people give me. my mom comes into my room all the time and asks me to sell things to make myself some money to buy more. i never get rid of my things because unlike the rest of my family, everything i buy matters to me. i spend my money well.

tonight i went to see transformers with jimmy and jonny, and i had a great time. afterwards, though, jimmy and i talked about the trip to new york and we had a miscommunication that made me cry. i know he doesn't have any money to spend, and i was trying to devise a course of action that would be fun and inexpensive. jimmy's definition of fun, however, is implicitly expensive, and my gesture was misread and we had a fight. he's upset about a lot of stuff and i'm particularly paranoid right now. that's no one's fault. that's just how i am. i just wanted to find a restaurant that was less expensive than the usual new york fair (the new yorker gave a particular rustic diner a "$", which attracted me) so we wouldn't have to freak out about where to go to eat when we got there. it is very difficult to plan a trip full of variables.

i admit - i have a problem with obstacles. not in the manner you might imagine. i hit obstacles quite often. but i have a thing about handling them quietly, accepting them, and not allowing them to interfere with what i'm doing, the exception being social obstacles, about which i'm obsessive and will attempt to solve relentlessly before i can do pretty much anything else. but if it's something like, oh...say...i failed biology last semester. and i've got to take it all over again at lycoming. that fucking sucks, but i have to do it and to me there is no use talking about it or groaning or crying. if, though, say, i'm in a situation like i'm in, and jimmy and ernie and i are trying to coordinate this trip with MANY obstacles and variables being thrown up at us, jimmy's inability to swallow the obstacles does make me hostile. because i'm compliant by nature, and if i'm given an option and it's my only option, i just make it work, quietly, because it's all i can do. when someone doesn't do that, i get sort of angry that they acknowledged the obstacle as being an obstacle.

that is, in a sense, the only way my competativeness surfaces. i know i've told you this before. but it's lately, with all this, become a big issue. that rolling-with-the-punches attitude is not something you can bestow upon someone else. i just don't like the attitude of "the trip is doomed" simply because things haven't turned out ideally.

all i'd boil it down to is i wish my presence were just enough. i'm going to new york to see a concert but that's not what's going to make the trip fun. it's that i'm going with two of my best friends. i don't care if i can't buy anything.

i have always been second to objects (I AM COMPLEX UPON COMPLEX, IN CASE IT'S ESCAPED YOU). i feel passed over for television by my parents. i put great stock in my friends, and when i'm with my friends i never feel much pressure to come up with something to do. i like to talk to them. i value them all as people. i have the best time just hanging out and listening to them. that's why i'm going to have fun on this trip.

i feel better expressing a lot of that. i get worked up. and i have a thing about my emotions being valid. when people don't take my being upset seriously, i freak the fuck out. i'm pretty mindfucked when it comes to expressing anger. but all i need is for it to be acknowledged. i feel better now.

the movie was excellent. it was fun and the CGI was VERY impressive, not gratuitous in the least. shia labeouf really impressed me and the script was very fun. jimmy was able to fill me in on bits that were more referential to the series. i love the "bee-otch" decoration in bumblebee's rearview mirror the most. i'm pretty happy they're making more films. and the concept of the last name "witwicky" i found very entertaining as well (amidst the whole alien robot concept, i was way more baffled by that surname...i'd like to know if it's a real one [google says no, but who can say - "carson" is a totally made-up-out-of-nowhere name too]).

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11