2:40 a.m. x 2007-08-22
sometimes i wish i could completely subtract
myself from a situation. why can't i, you ask? because i can't go back in time. i can't have it never happen. it's that painful and insulting to me. i've never wanted to do that before. and it's all me, making it hard for myself. i don't know. it's not something i'll ever talk about to anybody.
right at this very instant i feel more positive than ever that i will lead a happy life. i'm understanding now what i have to do. point A: i have to stop talking to people and i have to stop listening to people when it comes to certain things. i am ready to validate my own feelings. i'm ready to tell just about everyone around me to fuck off.
kara deserves a very special mention here, as she is a friend of mine that has not only listened to me drone about the most inane issues, but she has never forced me into or deterred me from a decision. ever. and i have been 1000% open with her. so it is possible.
my friends don't like each other. i have no core group of friends that all hang out like i used to. i have two friends who mean the world to me, with whom i've struggled with different amounts of tumultuous, emotional messiness. i feel like they both invalidate my happiness because i still remain in contact with the other. no happiness of mine will ever be valid because i still participate with such-and-such.
it gets to me very often.
i feel like this is going to be a good move, though. i'd like it if people reevaluated what i mean to them. i'm really touched by jimmy's recent gestures. i need it, very much. i need to be thought of.
my hair is purple again, by the way. DARK purple.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start