You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

this new layout is quite minimalist. and i'm having trouble with my hands shaking, so this entry may be minimalist as well.

I WANT YOU TO WANT ME. I WANT YOU TO WANT ME. I WANT YOU TO WANT ME. I WANT YOU TO WANT ME. I WANT YOU TO WANT ME. I WANT YOU TO WANT ME.

it is important to me that i feel desired. it is important to me that i feel important. it is important to me that i get compliments. it is important to me that i feel rewarded for expressing my love and commitment. it is important that my feelings be taken seriously. it is important that i be reassured when i'm nervous. it is important to me that i feel love ALL THE TIME. I AM A FULL-TIME COMMITMENT. that's just me. that's just how i am. sometimes i struggle with this aspect of myself. it's a very classic feminist debacle, woman's desire and all that. "my own desire scares me". i'm working on it.

i know i'll be all right if i can just channel it into art. isn't that always the way? and what is up with women not wanting to desire? what's up with me falling into that trap? well...speaking for myself, it's painful. desire is exhausting for somebody intense enough to want to put off sleep for days at a time because she's got a good idea. also, i am insecure. insecurity is the killer of all good things. i'm very impassioned about conquering this aspect of myself, but it is a toughie. my friend heather's boyfriend baconhead is at school down the street from me. she cries and frets and freaks out nonstop thinking he'll cheat on her and missing him, etc. he just appears sad about it, wishing she'd relax and understand he loves her. and he is very committed to her and grateful for her love. but what if he did cheat on her? or he just got frustrated? i honestly don't think he'd do either, because i know him, but she'd really kick herself in the teeth for wasting her time being sad like that. that's something i won't do, even if i have the natural inclination to go bonkers over distance between jimmy and i. i HAVE to conquer it. i'm a control freak and i HAVE TO RELINQUISH THAT CONTROL OF BEING PRESENT. i have to feel he cares about me and he loves me without pressure. i have to. for my own peace of mind.

it's just tough because it isn't what comes naturally. but i'm trying to be the bigger man here and override my nonsensical distress. DISTRESS THAT I CAUSE MYSELF!

i need to have sex really soon. i'm going to head home not this weekend but next weekend...next friday...so that i may see FEIST with at least kara, and possibly lexi, and possibly jimmy as well. in the meantime, i need to vent and make peace with my desire (that doesn't necessarily mean masturbate, but i think that's bound to happen somewhere along the way - masturbation and peace are practically synonyms).

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)