You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

let me tell you something:

if you take someone's thoughts and feelings away, bit by bit, consistently, then they have nothing left, except some gritty, gnawing, shitty little instinct, down there, somewhere, worming round the gut, but so far down, so hidden, it's impossible to find. imagine, if you will, a worldwide conspiracy to deny the existence of the color yellow. and whenever you saw yellow, they told you, no, that isn't yellow, what the fuck's yellow? eventually, whenever you saw yellow, you would say: that isn't yellow, of course it isn't, blue or green or purple or...you'd say it, yes it is, it's yellow, and become increasingly hysterical, and then go quite berserk.

since i've kept this diary i've quoted that at least three times. it's by or about david edgar on mary barnes, or a mary barnes quote, i'm not certain because i'm familiar with that particular bit through prozac nation (ohhhh psh), where it is quoted at the head of a chapter. i think i identify more with that quote than nearly any other i've come across. it really says something to me, and i feel that way a lot. i've had enough recurring instances in my life of feeling that way over and over again. it keeps itself relevant.

i'm coming to terms with a lot of stuff, in a lot of good ways. well, not at first i wasn't. but now i'm working them out. i'm thinking clearly. sometimes i'm gripped with fury at someone i know, and i can't stop ranting angrily about this person in my head. i have the right to be angry. my criticisms are valid. this is a bad person. it's okay to say this now. it still makes me sad, but less and less.

i feel like i need to take care of myself for real now and not take care of the things that make me feel secure...my security is generally dependent upon people being dependent upon me, because it's a role i know i can play. but i have put myself in too many awful places with that. i have been sucked dry. that isn't something i will take. i am improving that situation now.

more times than you'd think i do i think back over how i've let tremendously fucked up things happen to me. i have a stubborn, persistent niggling optimism and belief in anyone i attach myself to. i believe they will understand what they're doing. but i have to be dragged all the way off the edge to get that they just won't. it's more comfortable for them to not understand what they're doing. and for a long time it was more comfortable for me to go along with it.

now, though, there is damage. i don't want to make friends. that is, i want friendships, but for now i don't want to make the effort. i am so angry with and frightened by those situations i don't even want to give them the chance of repeating. i have some friends i really know won't ever do those things and i know i can find more like them.

I THINK YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON AND WHAT YOU DID AFFECTS ME NOW. IT GETS IN MY WAY. I DON'T FEEL BAD WHEN ALL YOUR PROBLEMS GET IN YOUR WAY. I WAS YOUR FRIEND AND YOU DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME. I DON'T CARE IF YOU WERE HURT. I NEVER HURT YOU. YOU HAD NO RIGHT.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)