You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i suppose i'll have to wait for renewal of my supergold account until i go home. gah.

i got myself a mocha and a scone this morning because i needed to be nice to myself. i woke up before my alarm went off, really panicky - it's been known to happen, that i just wake up and freak out - and i got ready and left before my roommate ever woke up. i was just not feeling cool. i have to sort some shit out. i don't know if i'm going to that thing tonight, which translates pretty easily as "i don't want to be in a sorority so no thank you". maybe it'd be more rude to go knowing i'm not going to join.

anything that identifies me as being part of a mass or a group i just do not like. i think it's pretty extreme of me to say i lack the herd mentality but really, i think that i may. i think it's a combination of not liking the group mentality as well as an anxiety of not measuring up and qualifying. so i'd rather just be by myself. or with people i'm not going to feel compared to. anyway...i'd rather chill in my room and work on my homework. i wish my parents would get that. they do slightly but they don't understand that i'm not crazy about socializing. i know i will make friends...eventually. right now i just don't want to suck my way through school.

by the way, guess what i hate. i haven't taken stats yet. i bet i'll feel a little better when i have more of a grasp of it, but for right now it's really just bugging me. it's mathing up my psychology, and i hate it. an emphasis on statistical measures was nonexistant in the classes i took at hacc, but it's very stressed in both the psych classes i'm in now. i'm not sure if that's very good and will help me later or if i'm not going to run into it much again and it's just going to, for now, piss me off.

both of the psych professors i've got right now went to the same grad school, which i was considering as an option. i don't think i'm considering it anymore. sometimes i don't think i want to go to grad school for psych. a girl came into my room the other day and saw a drawing i'm working on and flipped out, and i told her the story about my high school art department misadventures and she said you listened to them?! (when i mentioned my teacher's complete disbelief and lack of support in my talent).

i think i need to get my short stories published and make my own way. i think i need to abandon the wish for being able to do the school thing. i like to learn. i don't like to go to school. i need to make peace with the dysfunction and the "artist" about me, that is what of me thinks that this program and what they want me to do with it is a crock of shit.

i think part of the reason i'm so UGH'd is that i'm in developmental psych, and i could really give a shit about infant preference for attractive vs. unattractive faces. i'll be very honest, i liked fucked up sex shit. i love paraphilias. deviance. i'd like to get my MA in BDSM.

gahhhhhhhh fuck everything. it's one of those days.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)