9:46 p.m. x 2008-03-03

currently listening to: "spirit" by bauhaus

first of all: I'VE GOT SOME NEWS! THAT'S RIGHT! i got an A on my poetry portfolio. badassssssss!!!

i'm very happy about that. i took a long walk after all my classes were done today (which included the new gym class, fencing, very interesting). when i came back melody asked to go to the thai restaurant, and so we did. we split some vegetable rolls and i had approximately half my pad thai, in an effort to maintain this diet that i'm not sure how to be on.

in case your curious, today i consumed: two french twists (60 calories per, though "french twist" sounds so misleading), roughly seven dates throughout the whole day, standard cup-sized cup of coffee with nonfat creamer (i may as well have it black, because i'm not feeling that creamer at all [though that may be because it's french vanilla, which isn't always too impressive anyway]), peanut butter & jelly sandwich and an apple, two bottles of water and a bottle of fuze banana colada (which i drank in intervals), and the aformentioned thai.

okay? okay. i don't know. i think that's okay. but whatever. i hate thinking about this stuff. and when i say that...all right, look, here - i eat very well. i pay attention to whether or not i'm hungry. i eat or i do not eat accordingly. i DO eat things that aren't good for me sometimes but not with manic regularity, and that's because i don't feel there's any reason not to. i don't live off shit. i reliably have apples and vegetables and drink mostly water and avoid sugared cereals, etc.

my rate of activity is the issue. i won't even say "i think" because it's obvious. i am not totally fucking inactive but i do not have a healthy balance with my activity. i am an insomniac. when i get a chance to sleep, i sleep, i can sleep for days. i love lying down (but i can't stand sitting, and i hate spending long intervals at the computer! you had no idea!). but when i'm awake and i'm sure i'm completely up and competant, i like to snap into action, and i'll go do something totally exhausting. it's manic-sleep, manic-activity, as opposed to light-sleep, light-activity that just makes sure everything's going okay and my body uses the pretty quality fucking fuel i provide it with. but it's not like that, because i haven't got that balance.

SO. SHIT!

i just hate this entire thing. i hate any food or diet dialogue. i hate it when/if that gives someone the impression that i'm living in denial about my health and wish to continue eating blocks of trans fat. i hate it because it's more difficult for me than some others to lose weight because of my wacked-out metabolism. and i hate it because i, personally, would just like to like myself and be cool with myself. and i am. i love the way i look, i love my features. even if it's the kind of "love" where sometimes i disown my relationship with them.

also i have some not very cool, pretty bleak memories involved with...AGH STUPID SHIT! STUFF I DON'T WANT TO GET BACK INTO! and stuff i think about. all the time. that does not make me feel good. that brings me down and does not make me feel good about myself or my body, etc. that's not the thinking i want!

i don't want to be home over the summer. i want to work and go to school. i don't want to be around to catch that thinking.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)