10:12 p.m. x 2008-03-27
currently listening to: "palace of mirrors" by estradasphere
i love loving everything around me. i love smiling when i see myself. i love feeling good about the things i do again. i love creating, even when i have to do it on the sly. this summer's going to be so wonderful, i'm going to have an income and time to make things. to be proud of my work again. i'm never proud of my work in school. i can't do school. I CAN'T DO THIS SCHOOL SHIT. i am intelligent but none of this exists to encourage or exhibit that. school is designed to destroy me. i am convinced.
i think that i am such a control freak about my life - and when it is my life and i'm handling it all i have a system about when to do things and how to do them and when i'm inundated with deadlines and class times, i rebel. i, the most base "i" within me digs in its heels and screams - in bold font - "UR DOIN IT WRONG".
i am badly in need of a city to live in. of walking distance. of culture. of activity. though i think the experience i'm getting right now is a good one. not everyone gets to live somewhere with a vibe that borders on ghost town. i could walk into downtown here in the middle of a saturday and i wouldn't see a single person on the street. there could be no cars. it's like a giant movie set and you expect the buildings to have no backs to them, no real interiors or doors that lead nowhere. discarded mannequins. weird old advertisements. there's something to be said for this place, absolutely. this is valuable time i'm spending here.
but next, i want to live somewhere where i can see a concert now and again without taking a two+ hour bus trip. OH and...i'm thinking, if grad school, then west chester. i may as well. i wanted to go there in the first place and i like the look of their program. i'm going to add that to my list of places to attempt to investigate over the summer. while i work, write, learn the piano/how to drive, and take a math class (guess which one of those things just won't get accomplished). i could also get a degree in educational counseling there, which would be a blast. i do entertain the idea of being a guidance counselor. i think it might get creepy after a while, but who knows. who knows what i'll do.
(be famous. natch.)
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start