per ardua, ad astra

2:25 p.m. x 2008-08-26

currently listening to: "aaj ki raat" by asha bhosle

i was going to write yesterday but i couldn't. i could not. i had to first get my grip on reality back. jesus christ.

first, the positives: i cannot express how happy i am that i am changing my major and taking this fiction workshop class. the professor, who is the same guy who taught intro, is much nicer and much more calm. he was happy to see me and we spoke briefly about my changing my major. he told me, since he's head of the creative writing department and has the power, that i can keep my current advisor. i'm very very pleased about that.

for every fiction workshop class, each year the professor picks a different book of short stories to focus on and use in class. this year, for the first time, he's doing NINE STORIES by salinger. which i own all ready, and read, and reread before today. i am set. i'm so happy.

i think my acne is clearing up. beautiful. beautiful.

now, the suffocating rubber clown suit of negativity ( - david lynch): all right, perhaps not so negative as weird? perhaps? definitely a little of both. all right, in order not to rehash a bygone era, consult the last month of 2007 for the jeremy disaster. the summer was a great opportunity to chill out from that, relax. i got it pretty well out of my system, speaking to him minimally. i had been thinking to myself about how to handle him this year, if i wanted to get reaquainted or not. it was not my first order of business, exactly.

melody, who talks to him on AIM, told me he'd been played on a massive scale by a girl over the summer and he was heartbroken. i took that as great news, naturally. he really fucked me over, he really hurt me. very plainly, he had it coming. hopefully it encourages him to man up about fucking around, but even if it doesn't - he is no longer my problem. but melody thought this was tragic. she wanted to talk to him about it. they arranged a lunch date, and at the last minute she asked me to join her. it wasn't weird or bad or anything. he heaped himself there, bearded and morose, and i instantly understood that i felt such apathy for this person, such repulsion, that i couldn't do anything but make fun of him. so i kept my trap shut.

once back in the room, he and melody spoke online (right away) and he insulted her. she was flustered and i shrugged it off. i told her - and never even mind what i told her, she SAW EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME. SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID TO ME. so i reminded her of this. within the hour, i'd say, she asked if jeremy could come over and watch a movie in order to bring him to a catharsis about his sad situation. whatevs, i said. he came over and sat on my bed. i glared and he sat on the rug. melody sat on her bed. they watched my copy of "requiem for a dream" and i napped the fuck out of it.

she tweaked about the whole deal and i blearily went back to my business. eventually, around nine, i left to take a shower. when i returned a short time later, melody was gone. she'd left me a post-it saying she'd gone to the after-hours establishment. i went back to nine stories. around one-thirty, give or take, she returned, aglow and giddy, explaining how she and jeremy had spent four hours talking and how she thinks he likes her and how she really really likes him. i all ready felt like i was going to be sick (due to a wrestling match with an extremely disagreeable bottle of san pellegrino aranciata).

i failed to react. i went to sleep. i have yet to react. it could be that nothing will come of it, and that's what i'm banking on. but i've blocked him and defriended him on facebook, and should she want to arrange anything between the three of us or bring him back here, i am going to politely request she keep that association out of our room.

but it'll be fine. i'm going to stay out of it. i don't want to be anywhere near where i was last year.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11