You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "cologne" by ben folds

feeling improved, despite trip to the cafeteria. my stomach is really bugging me, but i'm about to embark on a rest that will hopefully do something about that. i am still having trouble absorbing this situation and how the dynamics shift as a result. this has kept me from working out things with melody. i get the feeling she doesn't want to talk to - actually, rephrase that: i don't think she knows how to approach it with me, and probably feels i should be the one to bring it up. i want to talk to her. this is awfully stupid. and i could get really irate and say that she knew what she was doing, the thing with jeremy was my business and she's being a douchebag, etc etc. i feel that speaks for itself and would rather not pronounce it. if she wants to have fun, that's all right. i just can't be involved. i can't be around it. he and i had our time and it's over and now i don't want any part in his affairs.

UGH. i would like to tell her things. i would like to tell her how he does not respect women, how he said so many shitty things about his ex girlfriends, how he spoke about the girlfriend he had when i knew him. he does not like girls. the very thing that attracts him is the chance to look attractive or intelligent next to a girl. that's dehumanizing. he pities girls, he can't handle normal affection. he'll never be happy because he isn't a happy person. he's a person i honestly wish i never met because the "good times" are worthless. i know at the center of it all he can't love and respect a girl, in a friendship or a relationship. he's too fucked up.

a groan of tedium escapes me
startling the fearful
is this a test? it has to be
otherwise i can't go on
draining patience, drain vitality
this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old

she'll learn, you know. this has gotten to me as bad as it has because she obviously feels bad about it and i just want to say stop. or don't worry so much about it. it's fucking stupid and it's snowballing.

this will be over before you know it and i know it. so i'll stop worrying about it. now. GO.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)