10:48 a.m. x 2008-09-25
currently listening to: "lemon incest" by serge gainsbourg
short story due next thursday. need to get going on revision. ambition not vanashed but i can hear it leaking like helium out of me. and making a sustained and very obvious wheeze, audible to everyone.
yesterday i didn't want to talk to melody to such the extent that when i heard her trying to get the door opened, i - since i was all ready in bed - feigned sleep. and then fell asleep for real. for hours. when i woke up finally i bolted across town and stayed there.
when i came back i read it.
the dresden dolls have broken up.
it isn't a concrete and irrevocable severance of their lives as artists, and they're still creating individually, which is wonderful. but ouch. of course that was going to happen. i cried. then i couldn't stop laughing because, you know, of course. i'm glad nothing impressive was due today.
i am having a lot of trouble right now. i am having so much trouble doing anything right now. that doesn't mean i am not doing anything. that means that i look at everything i have to do and i shut down. i go to sleep. and i do it in my sleep. i don't want to wake up and look at it. i don't want to be around anyone. i miss my friends. i am constantly playing with my phone and scrolling to lexi's number, kara's, akasha's, clare's, amanda's, jimmy's, ken's, my mother's, amber's, anyone's. and then i put it back in my pocket because i have nothing to say. i hate having a stupid problem that i can't fix. i hate that being all i want to talk about. but i want it out of me. i want there to be no association that somebody can make between she and i or he and i. i wish i'd never met her. i cannot sustain the insincerity or tolerate what i feel is an insipidness, a yielding, a looking for an opportunity, any opportunity to succumb to someone else. that's the feeling i get from her. it could have been anyone and it was him, because he's completely worthless.
he bought her a stuffed animal of his favorite cartoon character.
i regret ever confiding in her about anything having to do with him. and i confided mostly in her. that is a wide hole. i'm hurt. i feel as though she didn't hear a word i said all year last year. she did not appreciate that tenuous, delicate situation between he and i. i believe the only other person she has been involved with was an ex of a friend. so this has been a trend of her's. it is a gross feeling. i don't like her anymore. i want to give her up cleanly, surrender her, pass her off, let her down easy. i just want her out of my life. i want our relationship to be one of polite acquaintances. that's when people are the nicest to each other.
there is also the stress of insensitive assholes who can't write trying to tell me how to write. that is not even mentioning my professor, an insensitive asshole who can write. the rest of the class has expounded upon their criticism of my work, outside of class mostly by elaborating on the professor's comment about my ego.
to have a group of people who don't know you, who you don't speak to, come over your head with comments about your intrusive ego and your ability to alienate when you are not making friends, not speaking to anybody, recieving criticism about the thing you love to do and now spend VIRTUALLY 100% OF YOUR TIME working on when you aren't crying in corners or staring at the tops of buildings, when you've lost all your human connections in the place where you are, that is a difficult position to handle being in and i am having massive difficulty being there. i am sinking into a bad place.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start