1:07 a.m. x 2008-12-14
currently listening to: "oasis" by amanda palmer
i am terminally testy. i don't know what that's about or where it came from. i took a pretty intense vacation from being social in the vicarious sense of phoning and AIMing and facebook and myspace to be social in the real sense with the two or three friends i've made at school. now i'm home and i'm ready to get caught up with everything, and i find myself being short, quick to irritate, uninterested. i'm only hearing comments about myself, even though i know that's not all that's being said. i hate that mindset. i'm not in it often. it isn't often that people say things that make me mad and i think "i need to say something about that". i don't, because usually it's better to just let it slide. people say things when they're irritated.
lately it keeps happening and i'm not skilled in approaching it way after the fact. every time it happens immediately it's so weird and i think "why did she SAY THAT?!" and then i can't get over it. but i haven't said anything. i ought to.
another of my friends is going through something that i wish she'd be more private about, because the more she says makes me want to angrily intervene, but it's none of my business, so i would like it to be made very much none of my business.
this sort of thing usually happens when i've been TOO social but this is the result of not having spoken to anyone in weeks. what's that about?!
the internet's rotten. i want to be out of this mood-cloud. i know a lot of it is me carrying me these things around, so i'm going to take measures to get them out. i need to circulate. i am going to get out tomorrow even if it is frigid and i can only walk to target or something. i just need to get moving and get out of my head.
also: my family is miserable, and has made being home again miserable right away. eugh. i tried to make polite conversation with my sister and brother today and they both tossed it back at me by saying i'm an idiot who doesn't understand how to conduct conversation.
they are not good people to be around. it is absolutely essential that within a year i take the necessary steps to establish myself elsewhere because being around them is bad for me. i'll try and see my dad and i'll see my mom if she tries.
i'm afraid to seem dramatic when i talk about my family but it is bad in ways that would take a long time to get into, and getting into it that far depresses me. i'm a lot happier when i'm not around them, and i want to be happy. i'm very done with this verbal abuse.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start