2:55 p.m. x 2009-01-22

currently listening to: "not mine" by amanda palmer

tomorrow is the end of the second week of the semester, and so far a) i have realized a 4.0 is perfectly within my reach and i can do it if i just DO IT, b) i have been asked to be in the english society and on the staff of the school lit review, c) two girls have asked me to sit with them at dinner every day this week, and d) i have been "referred to glowingly" by all sorts of people. this morning i slept in because all last night, late into the night, i was completely freaking out because i'm so intimidated by friendly gestures. these are very nice girls. they make me very aware of the disparity between how they socialize and how most people socialize and how i do, which is more rigidly and more...thoroughly, i guess. i do not have acquaintances. i also do not count myself amongst groups easily. i can't manage it. i'm nervous. i would like to pull the one aside - the one i think really does like me and wants to be my friend - and ask her "so, do you want me to sit with you every day? or on an ask-only basis?" - i think of myself more as an event. day in and day out, i don't know about that...

but that's what i was up all night about, practically crying. and why does melody keep leaving me these messages - i don't like the halfway-ness of it. i do not want to be friendly. i do not want to BE anything with her. i feel like i have one hand under a hot faucet and another under a freezing one.

"get it together! get it together!" (not the right clip but you certainly understand...i am osaka.)

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)