3:49 p.m. x 2009-02-13

currently listening to: "lazy eye" by silversun pickups

let it die.

there are millions of other days that will be nothing like today. this moment won't matter. the kind of issue won't exist. i will be so far beyond it. i will have feelings i don't even know exist yet. these awkward proto-feelings will dissolve like unlearned incorrect spellings of words.

i don't know why it happens like this. why the visceral reaction. why the involuntary shifts way, way up. i can get myself that up. i don't need somebody else. somebody else is as liable to lift me as drop me.

i am so hurt. i am hurting myself. i am making this very very hard when it ought to be thoughtless. this is my oversensitive un-sense of boundaries. my hyper-focus. my desire to seize opportunities. my hyper-awareness of unseized opportunities. my vulnerability. all the things i am a sucker for, all the things that just get me.

i am afraid that i project. i almost do not trust projection of desired traits versus recognizing them in a person. i don't know if i even really project all that often. or it was just once and now once was enough to make me aware. so i read the evidence aloud again and again and again til i'm embarrassed with myself and EVERYONE SAYS "YOU'RE RIGHT AND WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE?!"

i don't worry i would be wrong, i just know i could be because of the implausability of this whim. i can't explain why it's a yes. if it turns out to be a no, and there's no reason why, that's just that. it's all the same thing. it's all people.

and i can't my head around them.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)