it was hard swimming once and now you're daily diving in

2:20 a.m. x 2009-02-20

currently listening to: "bringing home the rain" by the builders & the butchers

this is the hardest it will ever possibly be. from here it gets easier and easier. infinitely easier until you just have that person like you have aliya and amber and amanda and clare and kara and akasha and lexi. you can just turn and lean into them and say fuck and all the love is implicit in records, annals, catalogued devotion. you don't have to keep proclaiming it but rarely and sincerely, shiningly, radiantly, realistically.

until then, "i insist i love you, let's keep speaking".

when it is a point. before it is natural. this is where i'm bad but this is necessary. i will laugh. i can't wait to laugh (and not nervously).

we are not on the same page. i thought we were. i have met a peer and a person i really respect and who is ahead of me in being responsible with the things his life. that is a kick in the teeth. where i'm groping for empathy, i'm coming up with envy. all the parts of this friendship that make it a great one to be forging are the things that intimidate and threaten and make me cry when he leaves the room.

i am being taught a lesson and if i don't heed it i will hurt myself. i respect his friendship and i will value it into the next life. if i alienate or take advantage of someone who wishes nothing but good for me, who respects and admires me, i will know hell.

i don't know why i would do that, but i'm obviously very concerned that i will.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11