You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

currently listening to: "and embarked on a life of poverty" by world/inferno friendship society

all right, i believe i've gotten in touch with everyone i absolutely wanted to tell in person. now: my parents are getting a divorce. there's a lot about that that will be very good but it also isn't that great and i'm pretty upset about it. not more than i am realistic, but still.

i need a job, sincerely. i sent emails that i really needed to send last week to two locations on campus that i'd like to work for regarding fall employment. i also saw a very unassuming notice for a small apartment in the student center that i followed up on. i have company coming tomorrow and i cleaned. i'm an efficiency MACHINE these days.

still, though, i've found time to fuck up in a class. modern & contemporary fiction, of all things. i've righted my wrongs, though. i think i am looking at three Bs and an A. all right. i'm not going to fight it. i am going to accept that happily as a careerist straight-Cs kind of person needs to when they make their first full-on effort-not-to-fucking-suck.

i did really want straight As.

jesus do things fucking suck in my family right now. on the one hand i know i should go and not look back and i'll be fine doing that and then on the other hand i wish i had a - eh, i'm not sure. not what i have, i guess, which is a lot of people who don't like each other very much no matter which way you come at it.

sometimes i feel genuinely very WELL LIKED AND ADMIRED by my mother and then she goes and tells her therapist what a "drain" i am on her. what a mistake it was to start the business of having children.

things will be so much better when i have a job. I DON'T WANT THEM TO FUCKING PAY FOR ANYTHING. I NEVER WANT TO FUCKING BE CALLED A "DRAIN" AGAIN. WE'RE IN A MOTHERFUCKING RECESSION AND THEY THINK I CAN'T GET A JOB BECAUSE I'M LAZY. i'm ashamed of the outright hurtful things they say for the sake of being hurtful.

i wish they'd just talk to me.

i want to get into a good graduate school and support myself completely in a small place and buy groceries and take good care of myself and be proud of my work and travel when i can travel and prioritize correctly and always make things and remain the very happy person than i genuinely am. i love myself very much. i'm very proud of myself. if i am not no one else will be.

i know a lot of people are.

it's just a shame.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)