2:05 a.m. x 2009-05-16
currently listening to: "a horse that will come when i whistle" by umbrella tree
this is WONDERFUL! mysterious, dazzling, intimidating, etc. - but barely anything but good adjectives.
last night i never heard from mel, but mark and i went to see "star trek". he dressed up, which made me feel less strange for dressing up. after the movie we started walking home and making excellent conversation, and instead of turning into school, continued walking. we walked the periphary of a park, back downtown and all along the highway, behind campus, and all the way to the edge of the neighboring township, then back to school. he opened up and told me a lot of things, and by doing so, and the tact with which he did so, impressed me unfathomably. i had so much trouble responding because all i wanted to tell him was that he's an incredible person. he stuns me. he has wrested this clear and functioning state of mind from the brink of implosion and has such a glowing attitude towards those who have taught him difficult lessons, whereas i would not and am not so flattering. it has made me even more skittish and weird about what i say back. and he is a masterful conversationalist even in the face of this and doesn't allow it to lag. he will just talk to me. i'm plainly in awe.
we have plans tomorrow, and on sunday we're going to bryan's. we have gotten to the hugging stage, which has become something that is harder for me to do. i used to hug freely and compulsively and now i have a lot of problems with it and would rather just shake hands on more occasions than i would ever expect, not feeling that i'm that anxious about interacting with people. but lo. so today we hugged. after i did see mel and told her about last night's trekking, and she asked me how we parted. i told her: i only reserve the word "awkward" for when i want to communicate the utmost inappropriate reaction i could possibly have. and i shook his hand and gave him a pat. i had no idea what to do. i did NOT want to make him feel exploited or like i had obtained this idea about him that i could have easy emotional access to him or anything. that did not properly communicate what i felt. tonight when we left one another (just now), i hugged him. tight. felt his neck. i don't even know if he did it back, i was concentrating so hard on making the gesture seem fluid.
it is not just that i am attracted to this person, it is that i am astounded by this person and his handling of his troubles, his attitude and character and intelligence. and it is not as if he orates or speaks very loftily - he just says incredible things. i love to listen to him.
this has a weird, twisty history to it. i did not know who he was and we had a class together. it was a gigantic class but we sat in the same part of the room, and i noticed he always looked miserable. i probably did, too. he also worked in the library around the time i was all but living there. and he always seemed sad. irretrievably. and i knew bryan had a best friend named mark and that he was in london along with gretchen. and then i realized it was the same person and he never stopped interesting me. awfully and persistently, in a way that is not my business one bit. because everything i heard about him fascinated me in a way that, superficially, he has been through some interesting things, but that's not the extent of it. he seemed fascinating, as a person who has happened to have had these experiences, to which anyone can respond any number of ways and he has chosen to approach it all so...mel put it beautifully. she looked at me for a few minutes and said she loved what i was saying, without hesitation, because despite the volume of personal horror mark's endured, he seems fantastically crystalline and naive, despite the dark subtext to a lot of his observations, and she recognizes that same kind of - not childlikeness or general pleasantness or even zen but clarity of mind and the resultant rosy outlook informed by the contrast of plainly terrible things in me. mel was wonderful company today. we went out for lunch - she, mark, bill and i, as well as bill's buddies luke and jon - and we watched "flight of the conchords" and played with the airedale terrior at mel's new house. that was particularly poignant.
this is certainly making every day exciting. i can't wait to see how it'll go. but i, right now, am incredibly happy being nothing but stunned by this person. i...wow.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start