6:50 a.m. x 2009-05-21
currently listening to: "cherry's dance of death" by chingon
freezing! it's freezing in here! now that i have the funds for a new blanket, it is merely a matter of getting out somewhere and purchasing it. but i have not had a moment yet, and i couldn't be happier about it.
after last night's til-the-wee-hours "twin peaks" season one marathon, i napped and went to class, did my laundry and checked in with mel about our plans for tonight, which were to watch "mulholland drive" on the projector at her house. after that, i crashed and slept until mark txt'd me after he got off work and asked what the status was, and i asked him to come down so we could hang out regardless of whether or not mel felt up to entertaining. while i was waiting for him, she called and bid us over, and when he came to my door he was all ready to just be in my room - with a thurmos of tea and half-dressed. i was tempted to say nothing and tell mel we'd do it later in the week, but my efficiency is a few sad steps ahead of my sense of temptation.
we went and watched the movie, with my own personal commentary track - at the behest of mel and her housemates - and then one of the housemates, eric, who is a photographer, came in with a disc of pictures he'd just taken on a job. it was for a wedding, and each and every male in attendance sported a chin strap and many of the girls looked, if not hypothetically attractive, downright miserable. it was a spectacle.
mark and i were ready to go then and mel asked if she could drive us, which we promptly refused, in unison. on our way to school, we once again bypassed the entrance and walked what i believe may be the periphery of town. he was jittery and upset at seeing the wedding photos. he has been married and it was a traumatic experience. he has talked to me about a lot of it and went more into detail as we were walking, and vented in particular on the subject of being projected upon. because he is very shy and sensitive, he has dealt continuously with being projected upon by others.
i couldn't listen to that and not say something. i told him i couldn't fathom anyone projecting any old ideals upon him because i could not concieve of the qualities he does possess. or, even wordier and evasive than that. he knew i meant something very nice and said that was a compliment as delivered by david lynch, over which i melted. i told him i meant that i couldn't make up somebody i like so much.
he started complimenting me a little bit after that. little things. he told me he doesn't like it when i'm self-depreciating, even slightly, and stumbled terminally over his "because". there were a couple more occasions of him comparing me to david lynch. i was transparently nervous when we had our building-lobby-epilogue-conversation and, working in both a hug and a handshake, i said "tomorrow?" and his response was something to the tune of yes! of course! always! it's all ready tomorrow! that kind of happy.
he is definitely grappling with a concern about compulsively entering relationships. and he didn't fall into my arms at my admission of liking him. but - this occured to me on the walk and increased its loveliness - that, all right, kissing him would be great. all manner of etc would be great. but that that i need from someone, those important intimacies and the connectedness that i was missing - i have that with him. i have what i want short of the physical, which is the fixed, comes-with-the-territory-osity of relationships. but in both our previous relationships we didn't have this connectedness.
he said before this may he never had any kind of relationship - friendship or anything - where he could feel himself being appreciated for himself and genuinely having a friend. referring to me, sweetly and evasively. we were on the highway, walking. i don't know how we wound up there, exactly, but after we managed to get off it a policeman pointed it out to us that that was illegal of us.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start