12:11 a.m. x 2009-07-03

currently listening to: "the strangers" by st. vincent

kyle's visit was a kind of sad disaster. as soon as i guided him safely here, it became instantly strange. he seemed utterly indifferent to what i suggested we do (take a walk around downtown, find a suitable place to eat). it was swealtering and the two main roads downtown were blocked off for a demonstration of some sort, so we had to be creative getting down to where i wanted us to be. the walk was mostly silent and stressful due to people being buggy over the traffic (the two main roads being, as i said, inaccessable). we passed a cafe and i went in to get a cold drink, and even the atmosphere of sitting and relaxing didn't help. no topic stuck - the evils of capitalism, his master's degree, growing tomatos - nothing worked. we got thai for dinner and my tom yum soup rendered me blissfully incapable of speech anyway, it was so spicy and glorious. the cold drink i got at the cafe, also, was practically worth the entire day - a plum bubble tea latte. it was cool and delicious and beautiful. i champion plum as a terminally underrated flavor (hazlenut, also).

we got faintly turned around getting out and he acted sternly and gruffly about it, blaming me openly, and to make matters worse when i insinuated that he'd have to leave because i had to have a grad project meeting with akasha, he didn't understand at first. i asked him to leave when she got there, which i didn't want to do (in front of her), but he acted the entire time as if he didn't particularly want to be there in the first place. and to make matters worse, there was a brief and terrible moment of flirting at dinner.

i have told him often that i have a boyfriend and that i am in love with him is painfully obvious. i have told him enough times that i do not return his feelings for me, and he has mostly always acted appropriately with regards to it. he is going to germany in the fall and that we will stay in very good touch is a tenuous prospect - but if he's going to behave like that, oh well.

the only thing is that i spent money yesterday and today. i don't want to be doing that. i have to see what is in the bank tomorrow for me to definitely take to binghamton. i am so excited to go! he is at the lake now with his parents and brother and unless he calls me on their phone there i cannot get a hold of him. i'm going to leave a voicemail on his phone early tomorrow, though, and hope, just so he knows to please call back and confirm for the sake of it that he knows i will definitely be there on sunday at the time...that he all ready knows, that i know he knows, but it would be very frightening to be alone at that bus terminal at night. it all ready was once, and it was only for a few minutes, but it would reassure me.

it was my dad's birthday today (the 2nd, that is), and i made him a card. he gave me a big hug and talked to me for a while about how he's feeling. ish. it's a good sign. we at least cleared up that matter of who hates whom (nobody).

sunday is so close!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)