a white hot juggernaut at 200 miles per hour

10:55 a.m. x 2009-09-09

currently listening to: "the last race" by jack nitszche

very sensitive to feeling like people aren't seeing me as a whole person beyond my work ethic because i am not fucking up disasterously at the moment. i know it isn't true. i just want someone to ask me to do something that isn't help them with homework.

part of it is the alien quality of the situation, that i have never been the person doing very good before compared to everyone else. the insecurity, etc. i got my first paper back from the novel, a B with the old indecipherable scratch. i will probably be able to read it in a year or so. or maybe if i hold it far away from me. my buddy bill got an A, and he went on a spiel about how a B is an honor - he did not do very well, he says, but because the professor's standards for me are so lofty, that i got a B means he's considering what i say so much, etc. thank you bill. bill is great. i wish i knew he and mark when they were living together.

i hope i see mark when he's endeavoring to visit. i am a little huffy about the whole car-initiative, that he must have a car first in order to bring the dog if he must. i like the dog but i will see it when i go to his house again. i don't want the dog in my room. i just want him to take the bus and see me. i want to feel like i'm engaged in something other than this.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11