10:10 a.m. x 2009-10-20

currently listening to: "there is a light that never goes out" by the smiths

1. i want to see "dogtooth," "the white ribbon" and "antichrist" so much.

2. my heart is breaking over the dumbest shit. little things that remind me of little better times. mark emailed me last night saying "i hope you know that i do care about you" and i wrote him back being frank with how i am not well right now. i don't know if he can take that. i'd like it if he recognized he can't. it isn't a big fucking deal but i need people who can.

3. i need to move beyond this. i love gretchen and i am so happy to have her perspective and support. here is the situation i am always in with school and now with a professor i never suspected. this is causing psychic damage i cannot afford. i want help and i am getting baggage, blockage, backlash from his personal life. i want to do well where there is no doing well. i care on a level he fundamentally cannot care on and i know that. i wish - and i see that this is what i wish - i wish i had a man hug me and tell me i am doing a good job. i do not like this being so vulnerable. i don't know what to do except leave. i am not an efficiency machine. the comments he is making are not conducive to productivity.

4. i met with my boss. he was so nice. he appreciated my help so much. we got so much done. it felt so wonderful. he was so appreciative. he gave me praise and responsibility. we talked about theodore roethke.

5. i need to quit feeling this way. things will go bad. things are going bad. i can do something about it.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)