9:50 a.m. x 2009-12-08
currently listening to: "little boxes" by regina spektor
also: grammar. i would like to have some slick fucking grammar. it is clearly not something i have ever been too passionate about - as you might notice, being that i omit capitalization, fragment up a storm, stream-of-consciousnessly omit punctuation when the whim's aroused. it is a diary, but it is seen (allegedly, potentially). it is an example of the written word. i have never really sat down and learned the basics of grammar. i have absorbed them and my grammar, when it comes to formal business, is better than most, but it isn't what i'd like it to be, which is a qualifiable job skill. it still seems to me such a large, elusive thing with so many variables - something, if one is to say s/he's "mastered" it, seems like an exaggeration, couldn't possibly be true. but i treat sentences first like choreography, then like statements that express the idea that i first see in form. i am a form -> execution kind of person.
all this is on my mind, with the statement of purpose and all. we had readings today. the professor liked my voices and gestures but not the speed with which i read. he wasn't too discontented, though, and watched me. he watched gretchen and i and shut his eyes for the others. there is love there.
she and i were up til four last night working on various assignments and when we were rearranging the furniture (which is luxury itself) in the gorgeous far-off theatre lobby lounge, she told me to put her on my CV as a personal reference, and said if anybody ever called her and asked if i was qualified for anything she would gush until her lungs bled about how i am vital to a successful enterprise of any sort. i love her deeply. i hope she gets into a grad program because she is working herself sick.
i am grateful for the time but OHHH i know once i graduate it will be immediately too long a wait. but i will not be discouraged. no more must i come back here after three months. no more will i have a dangling commitment. i will be able to plunge into whatever i want to do, to work towards where i want to go. and i have what it takes to get there - i finally have, never having had before, professional references. authority figures i respect, who know me, who like me and can speak with regards to skills i have and am proud of and speak of me, are vital, that make me vital. i have never had that before. i have VIABLE SKILLS in an area that i love, skills i love so i can do things i love. so good!
so from here on out, it's good. i can make it good. i will get a job i enjoy. i will do whatever it takes. i will get into the grad school i want and be 10001% behind the portfolio i submit. i will internalize what i have learned. i will trust my voice.
i have been thinking with the hoopla and gretchen's applicationathon about the whole matter of grad study for writing. it isn't necessary to be published, and being published is the priority (which is why i'm taking time to do that). not all positions require an advanced degree, but some do. i do want an MFA, but not any old MFA. i want to study in a program that supports and believes in me and i in it, that will fund me sufficiently/that i can scheme up funding for, and that i am proud of - not the degree itself, but all that goes into it, like i am proud of my forthcoming BA because it was from here, with these professors. i was going to apply EVERYWHERE to get in anywhere and have the piece of paper but, no - that's not what to do. i'm applying to one or two places and there is only one i have my heart set on, strapped to, prepared to blast off with.
this kid in the library is listening to music on his headset - it is really loud and from "charlie brown." love it.
so, anyway - spirits up. semester's nearly over. six pages to go on my paper for friday. that is, to write, then i have to check it out/have my buddy bill check it out because it is guarenteed to not make a lick of sense. it converges so nicely in my mind's soul where ideas gestate from zygote to fetus. i still really need to sit with this. it is coming but it is coming in avalanches of sensation and nonsense. at four in the morning. i need to sleep.
last night before working with gretchen i went to see my roomate host the semesterly dance show. there was a boy ushering and i noticed him and was staggered - he is the most attractive boy i've ever seen, i thought. i couldn't resist staring. i followed him visually all over the chapel auditorium thinking, is he a student? i've never seen him before. there's no possibility i could've missed him. then a close friend walked by and waved to me, turned and waved to this boy. and i realized it was her best friend, whom i have met on several occasions. he looks totally different and beautiful in formal dress. goodness.
then i noticed i was lonely and couldn't sit through the entire show. that hasn't been too great a problem lately, but i have been angry. mark and i got into an email altercation which ended in this email from him that does not make sense, that accuses me of being an accessory in dragging out a bad situation too long by not bringing the axe down sooner. he experiences all relationships as just that - things that happen to him, that are thrust upon him like a genetic predilection towards arthritis. something to deal with, not something one steps up to take part in. he was disturbed by (i think - the WORDS don't fucking make sense) his ability to "read" me, which creeps me the fuck out. pardon? i was upset when he began acting like he couldn't handle a casual conversation with me. i communicated my discontent via every manner i knew how. i did bring it up directly when i felt like it would do good. it did no good. because of that, i broke up with him. he seems to be furious that i didn't just do that as soon as i got in the car but i don't think he appreciates that i loved him very much and was interested in seeing how he would treat me. like shit, as it turned out. hence.
but my god. it was STUPID. i gave him my address. when i recieve my belongings, he will recieve his and never a peep from me again. i want that gone from my life. i don't need that vortex of self-loathing pulling my loves and goals out of orbit. it is a shame. "i miss our conversations," he said in his first bit of apprehensive, non-commital contact with me since ithaca. that pissed me off. i am more than a conversation - i am not a trivia-bot that can subsist on some witty observations about film and literature. when he remembers i am a person, he cannot keep the contract of an interpersonal exchange up. he folds and exits. it's embarrassing. i'm done with it.
and he cannot fucking listen. i will not miss that.
now that i think about it, i think my professor was in an overly-critical-for-the-occasion mood today (he was) because we had professor evaluations and the professor who proctored him, who knows him very well and has for years, totally misspelled his name and it was big and on the board when he came in. after the first girl read he stomped up and erased that and yelled "i can't look at that any more!" then scott sang "part of your world" from "the little mermaid" because he wasn't prepared to read, and i think the professor really preferred it. he sang "i'm a toys 'r' us kid" in response. it was fucking terrifying.
i really love my professor and value and appreciate everything he's done for me, including being a glaciated, impossible to please son of a bitch some of the time. it has prepared me well. and then sometimes he sings. it is impossibly eerie.
tutoring tonight. gretchen wants to fill out a form too, for last night. i sincerely appreciate it. so that's five hours so far. it would be neat if tonight i could get two or three. that'd be a whole day's work! ahh!
i can't get over the snow. even though it's so cold you can't keep it out of you it's beautiful. and i am so happy the semester is nearly over. i am proud of the work that i've done. i am excited for the coming semester and to graduate. i am right with the world and i need a month's worth of sleep to remain so.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start