12:40 a.m. x 2010-04-04
currently listening to: "poor lola" by april march
manda and i had dinner today and watched "sailor moon: sailor stars." i have NEVER SEEN the fifth season. it was staggering. my mom and i went to the bookstore then and in a fit of goodwill she bought red dragon for me and this is water for herself. i read this is water last week and thought she would appreciate it; she rarely follows through and reads what i recommend to her, but she read it and loved it and bought it. and now i am getting the price of salt and red dragon tomorrow (the rest is coming in the mail, to school). i am ecstatic. despite how much i am looking forward to reading portrait of the artist as a young man this month, after which i will be spending some quality time with ulysses, thomas harris has something very important to teach me about pace and excitement. i am entitled to a little of that.
oh my god if i get this one job that i applied for i'd be working where mary gaitskill is hanging out for the next year! AHH.
all the jobs i have applied for look so amazing. it is so important to me that i work. money is sincerely far far secondary to the sense of purpose and even that is nothing - i very much like to be around people, working on things for others, making something good. establishing something positive. keeping it running. putting faith into something. getting others excited. there is a tension there with the inborne vocation. whether or not i am gainfully employed by an institution of any kind, i still have a job. i am a writer no matter what and i am one first whether i like it or not. i do not have to lift a finger to make that a priority. when i have other things to do - like, say, twenty page research papers - i will get so fitfully prosodic that i'll either sleep or not sleep for days and won't be able to talk to anybody or get anything accomplished all because i just HAVE TO WRITE and once i do - tenish pages of anything, even if i didn't think it was there, it always is - and i'm (embarrassingly) fine.
i am getting closer and better at achieving a workable balance there.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start