1:43 a.m. x 2010-05-02

currently listening to: "skinny little bitch" by hole

picked up roethke at last. listening to courtney love. i cannot watch "vivre sa vie" until thursday (my birthday)! also got something for gretchen. something tiny. dreading going back for the ceremony.

my mother, my father, my aunt and uncle are coming and nobody else. i asked if that could please be the arrangement. i know what kind of state i'll be in and what pure hell managing the afterbirth will be, since i am the only one that knows the town and where to go and how to get there. i would like my brother and sister to be because if my brother went, he would occupy my sister's need to control something. since he cannot come she will be left with only my mother to manipulate and she will be the one driving. i won't have that. unless she cries about it, in which case i will lord over her the fact that she is there because i allowed her to be.

ceremony puts me off. large gatherings. moving in groups. it shakes me to the marrow, all of it. put it all out in the glaring sun and i'm a steaming pot of unrestrained hostility. this is all to say nothing of the fact that i'll be wearing a very unflattering sheath over my person. god.

not going to think about that right now.

my mother and i looked at desk hutches today. she wants to just get a book case but that is not very practical. this is a small space. a series of "organizers" would also do. there are 132 books surrounding me right now. it's not a tight squeeze or anything. i'd just like them to be better accomodated, and i'd like there to be room for a printer. my printer has a frustratingly small cable and must reside suffocatingly close to my computer.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)