3:25 a.m. x 2010-05-17

currently listening to: "mean" by zoe boekbinder

can't sleep. restless.

i was thinking about a boy i met online a few years ago. not ken, to whom i still talk, but another guy. we are not in touch right now but not for any reason. he's a phd student in, i think, michigan now. he was at berkley when we started talking. i spoke to him on the phone two or three times after we'd written each other for a long time. written, not chatted, which was nice. i remember i called him and left a message and told him i was getting coffee and sushi and he left me a message while i was in class that went, "now i know you were joking! you meant...coffee...then sushi...seperately." which i did not. he was very gentlemanly. i need to say hello to him again.

this is part of the greater issue of i-miss-men. real men. it has been a year now since i met mark and we had a very good may together. that was good. may term was great. nothing after that was. we don't speak now and i'm grateful because he was too sick for me to handle and he was hostile about that, about my inability to endure his moods. i do miss walking around binghamton because it is a lovely walk. his house was just far enough away that to go downtown was a legitimate walk but not exhausting and the library was fantastic and the architecture and the river - i really liked it. i would have liked to have enjoyed it with someone who had the capacity to enjoy anything mildly pleasurable, but that was not mark. mark is a very unhappy person.

regarding jimmy: i am really upset about the amount of rage and hurt i still have. i am really fucking bitter and disgusted about it.

it'll diminish. but come on all ready.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)