the world's like a science and i'm like a secret

2:20 a.m. x 2010-06-09

currently listening to: "lingerin still" by she & him

i have been trying to call the local library about volunteering. finally i was just put through to the coordinator's voicemail. hopefully i hear about that very soon - i would love to do that!

in the realm of what to do for money, i've been applying for jobs with the usual insomniac ferver. i took the most ill-timed nap earlier from seven to midnight and woke up crying after somebody called me. i just wanted to sleep. i am not in a good state. and so, so much of it is me.

not all of it. but a great deal of it.

my mom was sick this afternoon and she asked my sister to go out to dinner with me since there isn't any food in the house. we went to a really incredible new cafe down the street. while we were waiting for our food, i started making polite conversation by talking about the jobs to which i've applied over the past few days, several being located in new york. my sister completely ended the conversation, not wanting to talk to me if i wasn't going to be serious. she cries to our mother about not being able to be friends with me and she can't hold a conversation with me. i never speak to her like that, even when she talks about how worthless she thinks her degree is. her whole concept of me is a waste of money.

so no wonder i crawled back into bed at seven after waking up at four.

all she has been doing since she's gotten home - before that even, she doesn't stay at school because she doesn't have friends - has been sitting on the couch watching videos on her laptop while the tv is on. that has affected me in terms of how i've not given myself a second at all to adjust. i graduated and started working, doing something i've never done and don't care for, and have been pushing myself to write like crazy. i am extremely reactionary and this isn't an environment i can easily relax in.

should i get employment in new york, i would make enough money to pay back my loans at a fantastic rate and i would be able to walk to get my groceries, to say nothing of the vast amenities i choose to exclude here, some of which i'll be sampling the week after next. like the museum of sex.

in the meantime, i just applied at boscov's. any position that allows me to look nice will boost my morale right now.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11