12:59 a.m. x 2010-06-17
currently listening to: "home" by she & him
better day today. my parents are being very understanding. new york will be so much fun. getting out for a few days and not feeling the weight. i would like a job where i do not feel the extreme compulsion to, though i have the job, keep on applying for others.
i have so much to do. that is such a good feeling. purpose. no matter what. i have so much done all ready! superficially. i have to get something published this fall. i must.
this story i am presently working on is inspired by louise brooks and right now a character is reminiscing about ballet lessons. when i was little i took ballet and i was made prima ballerina in a series of recitals. sometimes that occurs to me and i am amazed at who i was at that age. i remember being flirted with all the time in that way people do with little, little girls. i never had less than an A. i seemed like i was going to be a very different person and when i suddenly found i wasn't there was a period of two or three years of panic and abject misery and then a manic rush of relief and a scrambling to quit wasting time and figure out who i was then. which was nice. i'm glad i did it. or, i'm glad i'm not doing it now. i know a lot of people who are.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start