or else my mind may well snap

4:24 p.m. x 2010-07-16

currently listening to: "rose tints my world" by the rocky horror cast

my mom came back from vacation with my sister and now she isn't doing well. she roused me out of a nap and said "we're going to get your permit" and seemed crazily irritable the whole way. i was ready and fine with it but she seemed not to want to be doing that at all even though she suddenly wanted to do it right then. we got there and they did not have their shit together at all - they never do! - and when they realized what we were there for they told us i needed to see a doctor first. i am the last of my parents' three children to be going through this process and she had no idea that i needed a physical and became tremendously angry at me, then, for not knowing about that and taking care of that. ugh. sometimes even when i am not trying my mother will maneuver me in such a way that i piss her off.

i read my associate handbook last night. i am totally ecstatic! to be working in a bookstore! and, in the cafe, i believe i've only been scheduled with one other person. that is perfect. i will go right in and know right where to go and just what to do. yes yes yes. i have a nametag and a locker and a mailbox!

according to the handbook i can "take books out" for two weeks with managarial permission!!!?!?! and i get a discount. it does not specify anywhere i look what exactly that discount is. i've found a few online reports that give me an incredible number, though. my mind is blown. i am so happy!

this is perfect until the next thing, which, if i cannot apply to grad school this fall, is moving out. doing whatever it takes to do that. this is a nice arrangement superficially, i agree, very much, but it is also not psychically outstanding. if my sister moves like she is planning (she got a job offer in her field for next year!) then that would be better. but my brother may still be here for untold years, because i don't think he wants to go away for school (which is silly because of what he's studying). he will definitely be right here for the next two. at least.

my parents want me to be here because they want me to write and to not struggle bitterly to coordinate a job and a place and writing but that's all necessary. i will have to do that. i can't avoid that.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11