i'd rather be the devil than to be that woman's man

11:59 p.m. x 2010-09-05

currently listening to: "devil got my woman" by skip james

going to bed. today i opened and closed. i open again tomorrow. i went to sam's and drank but did not drink a lot. i was sad anyway.

i am absolutely better than i was because now i am functional. my body is unfixed from it because it knows better.

i am vulnerable.
i am lonely.
i miss being intimate with a man i love.
i miss very specific qualities about a person i used to know that are reflected vividly in this problem/person.
my friends are all on seperate pages now. even my ones here. i've not lost them or anything like that but none of them need me in the manner that i need them.
when i fall i do it thoroughly.
i didn't know and i wouldn't have felt like this at all if i had known. and it was kept from me.
there is no means of honest and uncencored communication. i don't feel i can speak freely because of the environment.
he says he wants to be my friend but what kind of friend can he be to me? i need a friend. he could be a good friend. but why did he have to make that fact so fucking weird -

i would not have thought twice.

i feel invalidated. he did the thing for me that tops flowers or fucking diamonds. if he wants to be my friend he must know that means something to me. i feel fucked with as severely as i do because he could fix it but he won't - i'm sure it won't occur to him. does he want to be friends now? i don't even want to broach that with him. i don't want to give him the satisfaction.

it's so stupid! but i am so hurt!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11