1:12 a.m. x 2010-10-14

currently listening to: "buddy holly" by weezer

IT IS OCTOBER 2010 AND I AM:

applying to graduate school. applying at least six places. i am confident in my reasons for desiring to go and in my ability as a writer but as a student i know UGGHH IF I HAD KNOWN HOW MUCH I WOULD WANT THIS. HOW THINGS WOULD TURN AROUND. even once i turned around it is so flagrant on my transcript when i didn't give a shit. i just wish i was more impressive academically. i've got something clever to say about that in my statement of purpose.

submitting my novella to the paris literary prize. gulp. once this paycheck lands with the entry fee! off it goes! the first 30000 words, at least.

taking the GREs. in two weeks, the day "hausu" comes out on criterion. i was supposed to buy a study guide today. i can't forget that tomorrow. i NEED to do well. i NEED to prove (if only to myself, let's be reasonable) that i can impress in some superficial statistics-based way that i always shirked and never tried for once in my life otherwise. if there was any time, it is now!

working. SO MUCH. SO MUCH. SIXTY HOUR WEEKS. this is better than being unemployed, but it is not good for applying to grad school, and i am going to ask that my hours be snipped slightly if only until december. but work is good. some things lately have been massively upsetting but even with a catastrophe today was good and reminded me how i enjoy being there and my coworkers and even the messy little tasks i have to perform with coffee.

production designer at the small press. i am so honored and so excited to embark on so many more projects and edit a forthcoming series and talk to way more writers and artists and arrange trips to more conferences and bigger and better things to be more of this vast network of badass. this work bloods me.

watching the films of ingmar bergman on my giant flatscreen. this makes me feel like i've won. i can't afford "the magician" right now but watch me have it by the end of the week. geeeez.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)