his imperative is pushed inside

1:35 a.m. x 2010-12-15

currently listening to: "attila the honey" by candypants

i am in a perpetual state of wired/tired and restless/serene because i am so happy but so impatient and so content but so excited all the time! but my focus has sucked worse. i've been getting my apps in and writing and reading and maintaining my other human connections. but it is tough when nothing is quite this amazing. that speaks volumes, too, because the stuff i all ready have going on is tough to beat. but seth does it.

sara told me he fancied me on halloween. she told me her friend's fiance's brother likes me, and i knew none of the names she invoked, so i drew some drab conclusions about how bad it must be if she's telling me about it very unceremoniously. she later explained who she was referring to because she knew i knew who they were, they come in often, and i did. the next few times i saw him if he was alone i tried to make myself available for conversation. we made chitchat about how suicidal christmas music makes me. he does not remember my expressing my affection for his name or whipping his face with a towel. his brother's intended then orchestrated the dinner where sara and i arrived, drank, and i acted like a zany, uppity mess. seth sat next to me and i didn't look at him. our only interaction was not interpreted as being one by him who was reportedly so anxious and wanting to say something to me that he drank himself into a fog but occured over his usage of the word "pederast" which delighted me into a frenzy of claps. we had to leave then fast because sara had another commitment and i felt miserable, like i could cry, because he was very polite and took my plate when i was finished eating and did not make me feel uncomfortable when i was vulnerable. i friended him on facebook and according to it alone we have a ton in common, and i felt even worse. i was hoping he'd come in the next day and i could talk to him but he didn't. i went home and cried and sent him a message about how i would like to get to know him and he answered the next day making a date for the following day. we both wanted to make out with each other as we were talking, which we did at this cafe for about four hours. then he dropped me off and i brought him inside to give him a cd. i made him one in case i liked him. he was excited to see my office and pointed to my copies of geek love and ada or ardor which are the two greatest things you can point out in my whole library if you are trying to get me to love you. i took him into my bedroom then to show him that and attempt to very unskillfully drop a hint about the extent to which i like him. we hugged a few times upon parting. the next day he called me to talk and we made plans to go to the bookstore where lexi works and it was so difficult to maintain a friendly distance. he made me salad and i met his parents. we quit the downstairs fast and he said he hadn't strategized at all and didn't decide to kiss me until i sat on his bed, but he had been wanting to kiss me and i had been wanting to kiss him and we dissolved into torrential makingout and he took some liberties and i was exhilerated and so so taken by his assertiveness and the fact that he kisses so expertly. then the moment we saw each other the following friday we started getting carnal. and it has been heaven. this whole time it has been heaven. i can't believe how perfect he is. i still want to talk more about it. i feel like i can't talk enough about it but i keep getting so exhausted. i am so perfectly happy!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11