8:26 p.m. x 2011-02-17
currently listening to: "his majesty grows suspicious" by umbrella tree
this past weekend seth loaned me how the mind works by steven pinker and i am three (very dense) chapters in. i love it. i love having lively discussions with nicole on an incredible range of topics. i love that group-work is AT LAST I THINK PERHAPS YES YES over with at work! i love that i am going to see seth tomorrow - i miss him so urgently! this week was stressful. i hate feeling like i'm fucking up by anyone and i haven't felt responsible in terms of the press or as amanda's maid of honor. i am the person who juggled all of those incredible responsibilities at school and i am now finding myself getting easily overwhelmed. borders is closing (where i was working - where seth and i met - and where jon and teresa met), the store within the month and the cafe tomorrow. i felt (justifiably) weird hearing that news. my laptop is being fixed. i am finishing amanda's savethedates. maybe not tonight, but i should. they should be done. full disclosure: i did not realize that was something one should do. wedding planning is not utterly alien to me but i certainly am to it. i'm going to buy my shoes now. shoes: purchased. and a flower to match, so nobody asks why i bought black shoes (the shoes are not from the same site as the dress, and i will not abide a poorly-matched swatch). i say to myself i need to reorient my diet since i now have a sit-at-a-desk job and food is an issue now again because of the sudden restriction of so many things from my diet and a decreased flexibility about obtaining what i can eat (i have not been grocery shopping myself in almost a month). this is significantly less of an issue of being hungry than it is of pressing all the extant sensitive buttons about needing to eat. i need to bring more small things to eat at work so i am not going crazy and panicked and sick and starving when i get home and i have again no access to food. i hate this. seth, though: thinking about him really fixes everything. he is staggering!!! we communicate so wonderfully and love to talk and last weekend we stayed up talking and got very vulnerable - i always feel a measure of vulnerability about being with him because i know i can be honest about everything, but this was a new level and the things he got very vulnerable with me about just cracked me in half. he is such a wonderful person. it is truly remarkable to be with someone who is not clinically depressed! who enjoys so many things! who loves to do things with me! he is so wonderful i can't verbalize it. i love the way i am overwhelmed by him, in such a positive way. it is such an exhilerating relief to be with him!
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start