some of these days

11:52 p.m. x 2011-06-19

currently listening to: "montezuma" by fleet foxes

my job is almost over. i've been in a blind rush. so much stuff. i have a book review to do, a poem-thing coming out in a journal, an interview to render into article-form, stacks of job applications to do - so much! it's all wonderful but i'm very tired.

i have interviews starting this week and i have to take off work for them. it's creating some strange tension, because so many temps have left, there are so few people there and they are getting crazy about overtime, let alone people coming in when they're supposed to. it would be one thing if i didn't have to worry about being unemployed within the month. silly.

i need to bring this diary up to speed! i applied to six grad schools in the winter and was rejected formally by five. the new school contacted me requesting additional materials, and i never heard from them again. this is all fine, but it was very mysterious the way they never came out and said, "nope." i'm applying again this year, to at least one of the same programs and a few new ones.

i was the maid of honor in the wedding of one of my best friends of five or so years - until i was not. i understand her exasperation, even though it didn't have to go down the way it did. since graduating, my employment situation hasn't looked like i thought it would (by which i mean - i thought i'd either be unemployed or employed, not this rocketing around nonsense), i've started a serious relationship that was very much a surprise and is something i love and get so much out of my investment of time and energy into it, plus maintaining a schedule of journal submissions, getting a sense of that, all that grad school stuff that ate me alive from october til after new years, the death of my laptop - everything that could happen did, and in the presence of my best friends i've been pretty limp. the times i was around her did not occupy the kind of time we used to spend together, when we did not have boyfriends (or a fiance, in her case), had copious time all over the place, no pressing things that required weird and futile persistence - and, crucially, she is still in school and not feeling this yet. so i believe (which is all i have, we didn't talk about it) she took a lot of my being depressive/upset/exhausted personally when it just me feeling like i could open up to her. ugh. it ended messily.

seth's brother and his fiancee are getting married in october, and invited me to assemble invitations the other week, which was wonderful. we are all going to baltimore in september to celebrate, but i have to go down before that and visit clare. i want to go with kara and do that urgently. my friend emily is visiting me tomorrow before she moves to philadelphia. in august i'm going to the beach with seth for a week, and i will be asleep/reading in visible proximity to the ocean the entire time.

before my involvement in my friend's wedding went down in flames, we went to the ocean for her bachelorette party and it was so surreal. it was late in may, the beach was completely empty, it was gorgeous and serene and i was a complete wreck. things were really not all right at work, i was in an awful cycle of feeling like i was alienated from everyone and alienating them more by trying to open up, and ultimately not in the mood to even deal with any of that since the focus of the trip was my friend's party.

i have so much to do before i even sleep.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11