12:31 a.m. x 2011-09-23

currently listening to: "thieves among us" by she & him


right after i went to "orientation" at my new job, when they told me they hadn't conducted my background check, etc, i was in tears and frenzied and scared and went online immediately to look for something else or something in the meantime or anything. i wound up getting a response immediately for an interview for a part time office job down the street. it was right before i went to the interview that i called the place i was supposed to be working for and confirmed that i was definitely okay to go away in october, that i could start in november, etc. so i went to this interview thinking, haha! if they want me, i can work here until i start working there, make a little money, stay busy.

i went to the interview and was met by two employees, who hung out with me until the owners came in to conduct the interview. and they lavished me with compliments and questions and we had a lot of fun talking. then the owners were magnificent and had all these ideas for things i could do beyond the rote phone/filing. enthusiasm abounded. i got it - they called me two days later. and i love it. but it is no time. no money. it is tiny. six people. two interns. some invisible contractors. it's really really lovely and dynamic and i am doing editing/designing for them. ugh. WHAT? this is really exactly specifically the kind of job i WANT. but it is NO TIME. NO MONEY. a quarter less than what i made at the phone company and half the time. i feel stupid for how i long for the autonomy that comes with money. right now too is just a strange time for that. and nicole wants to go to an event in nyc that i was invited to that is SO AMAZING that it's fucked UP of me to pass up on but i will talk to her this week and demonstrate for her how we MUST drive, ferry and taxi in and out, there is NO other way to go to something that will take three hours to do in new york. i don't even know how i'll swing that financially. but i should do it. it is a book release party thrown by one of the greatest living presses for two books that are going to be classics of the most vital variety.

anyway, this job i have now that is so staggering, i have the dumbest complaint about it, which is that because it is part time i feel i can never be there mastering, getting in my element, because it is so in-and-out. and my training was really to be able to tell other people how to do things. so what i've spent my time learning, i won't really be doing those things, just making sure the contractors/interns do them, and because i don't have a real log of who they work with, clients and so forth, i don't know the calls coming in, who has a relationship with whom, and agh. it isn't hard and i detest how hard a time i look like i'm having just because i don't have all the facts. and i have no money. which is just embarrassing.

tomorrow seth is having a surgical procedure performed for our mutual benefit (no! more! contraceptives!) and we are celebrating with macarons and my mother is buying us burritos because he won't be able to drive or perhaps move because he is so sensitive to drugs. so we will be in all weekend making my favorite pizza (spinach and goat cheese!) and watching "it's always sunny" and freaking out. i will be, anyway. freaking out. he'll probably sleep.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11