now that i know what i want, see, i think that it haunts me

12:50 a.m. x 2011-10-07

currently listening to: "if you can't sleep" by she & him

i am still freaking out with utter joy about my tiny book coming out. tiny tiny book of poems. that i wrote in two or three months. that in the summer i will be published by a press i love.

i wonder how many people will be at the writing festival. not that many people "like" it on facebook. it is a campus event but i never went to any campus events in school. i'd love it to just be ME and all those beautiful people.

i am going to do some content-writing for the website of the company i work for. today one of the owners asked me "have you ever written for the web?" which was weird for me to answer - i'm always inclined to say yes. they make constant use of my skills as a writer/editor/designer. it is such a dream. i wish i could stay. i wonder if when i have to leave for a living wage they will let me continue to do things like content-writing, at least. i could do the entire job remotely, actually, except for the phone. and i'm only allowed to take support calls. i am really comfortable and assertive on the phone, but the fact that answering the phone isn't a major factor of my job is AMAZING. just responding to emails, editing and managing the content produced by contractors, designing custom sites. mostly hanging out with the engineer and the one owner in charge of IT and aesthetics. the sales team finally moved into one office. i was sitting next to the sales lead who conducts meetings on the phone and gesticulating wildly. she is nice but NO.

my old dear friend who i do miss who lives in new york now got in touch with me today. his girlfriend works for a major publisher and when i mentioned my recent amazing interview and told him it was for a local publisher he - well, first, he made me feel the same weird bad i often feel when we talk, a weird pressure about being here in the place i've mostly lived and rarely liked. he was lucky to move to NY and do not have access to such luck! i want to move, but that takes time and money, and the city where i live is much, much better than it was now that i'm older, can get myself around, as opposed to being a teenager stuck in the village (not in the cool way like you're thinking of since i mentioned NY, either, i mean A RURAL HAMLET). but, yes, he did say then that he'd ask his girlfriend to alert me of editorial openings at the big publisher's and would thus submit my resume in such an event! and that is very nice. that is active and helpful and doesn't make me feel weird or bad. someday i'll tell him how that makes me feel. when i've dealt with everything else.

i've simultaneously submitted some things to journals. i decided today to figure out just what is wear and i frightened myself. some of these places must get a move on rejecting/accepting me! so i can clear these submissions out! one thing that troubles me about one of the small presses that i work for is that we will get a reasonably steady flow of submissions and then vote as we read them and then the editor will wait FOREVER before notifying the writers either way. making snap decisions really benefits everyone in that game, even if it's a no. it's probably simultaneously submitted elsewhere!

i requested to come in early tomorrow so i could leave early and have coffee in my favorite cafe while it's opened and go to dinner with seth's family before his brother's wedding. just to be with seth. i won't see him next weekend, mostly, until sunday. my trip is going to ROCK.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11