to much disdain - her brain remains

1:00 a.m. x 2003-01-01

girl without a planet
welcome. i've been keeping this atrocity since the tail end of 2002. i've got a lot of trouble with archivism. i obsessively photograph, and probably have photos of any major event after 2005. even the bad ones. my best friends are jimmy and clare, and beyond writing in here, i labor away at short stories and screenplays. i'm also a student. ish. psychology. i secretly, fervently hope that i become a succeful writer, though, much more so than a successful psychologist. feel free to smirk and shake your head, considering my terribly cryptic, catalog-style of journalling. ultimately i just want a good house and a family, being that hate the way my parents' house is decorated and i don't have the best relationship with my immediate family. except for my aunt. in my spare time i watch films and i spend public transit time (i do not drive) listening to strange music and reading nabokov. my little library is a rather large shelving unit in my room that's completely overrun with books, most of them reference books on psychology, biographies, books on film, or the odd piece of fiction. i don't like too much fiction, but that that i like, i REALLY like. nabokov is probably my favorite, and supervert, dostoevsky, anais nin, j.d. salinger...i like a few author very much. i share a birthday with sigmund freud and orson welles. once my parents took me to an obesity clinic because i was miserable about my weight in high school and the doctor told me i ought to be dead because i never, ever slept. i had a very terrible time graduating high school. my old best friend stopped talking to me and my current best friend did something disgusting with the boy i liked at the time (which wound up working to my benefit, i'm quite happy about it now - he had a terminal sweating problem, eugh) so i was overwhelmingly depressed and i starved myself pretty thoroughly for half a year, until around june 2006. currently i'm eating well and i look and feel much much better. i'm a good looking kid anyway, and i know it. my point being, however, that as soon as i developed a metabolism, i became chronically exhausted. so now i'm constantly napping to make up for lost time. when i am not trying to fail any or all of my classes, writing, on public transit, reading, napping, or anything otherwise...i'm very likely with my boyfriend, jimmy, who is one of my very best friends as well, who has gigantic blue eyes and enjoys eurometal and kevin smith. that's very male, isn't it? we "exchanged virginities" on my mother's 50th birthday. that woman's losing her mind, and it was my quiet, personal retaliation against her treatment of me. i think she'll ease up when i get my ass out of the house, though. she needs to be alone. she's very tired of having kids, especially me. we are not alike one bit. she and my sister are identical, though. both played every sport in high school and were on homecoming court (and my mother won). i barely even went to my senior prom, and only because it was on my motherfucking birthday and it was the only way i wouldn't be alone. my friend amber y. took me and gave me a beautiful bouquet of hybrid roses. what else encapsulizes me? the odd trauma, i suppose. you apparently build your social skills and in/securities around age ten, which explains why i act incredibly paranoid. my default state is to assume nobody wants anything to do with me, as that was rigorously reinforced by all of my schoolmates when i moved at age 8 to the district i finished high school in. it was pretty miserable. i repress my emotions like there's no tomorrow, and my parents have screamed at me for getting upset about perfectly normal things. so a great show of emotion is a pretty giant leap for me. and expressing upset comes more easily expressing excitement, due to the fact that i am afraid to let people know what i really enjoy, lest they use it against me/take it away from me. i'm a bundle of neuroses, but i've gotten a lot better. life, in general, as improved on every front post-high school. i'm a generally happy figure, though i'm very vocal about when something bothers me, which i think gives the appearance of me being more troubled than i really am. ergh.

i think that's good for now, don't you? next up, stats.

name: K.
birthday: 6 may 1987
blood type: A
sign: taurus
favorite color: black, white, burgundy, jewel-toned blue
favorite food: SUSHI
least favorite food: donuts, actually
hobby: writing - currently screenwriting
favorite subject: psychology
has trouble with: anything i think indicates a lack of intelligence on the part of the individual i happen to be interacting with, racism in particular
strong points: i make some badass crepes
dream: to have a good relationship with my back (try not to think about it), to maintain my awesomeness well into old age, to reside in a victorian-style house with my decidedly male companion and a brood of well-mannered, diminuitives facsimilies of he and i (that may mean children, unless science devises something in the meantime)
my aura is "sapphire" and i am worth $2,519,610.00.

aural fixation
acid bath, babes in toyland, bauhaus, the beatles, boa, colt, the crüxshadows, daisy chainsaw, the decemberists, the dresden dolls, einsturzende neubauten, imogen heap, hole, human waste project, jack off jill, lazy lane, living with eating disorders, marilyn manson, miranda sex garden, my bloody valentine, my life with the thrill kill kult, my ruin, nirvana, a perfect circle, portishead, queen adreena, rasputina, scarling., the smiths, patti smith, thestart, switchblade symphony, tattle tale, tatu, umbrella tree, the velvet underground, veruca salt, the white stripes

i have an awesome passion for film
mulholland drive, eyes wide shut, dead ringers, brewster mccloud's amazing (sexy) flying machine, harold & maude, rosemary's baby, persona, contempt, love & death, 3 women...i like a lot of film. it kind of makes my head spin. absolutely anything overwhelmingly morbid, irreverant, and off-putting. or having anything at all to do with the beatles. my favorite directors are david lynch and stanley kubrick. i admire bergman and godard. woody allen and i have a lot in common, i behave a peculiar amount like his screen persona. i have an ambivalent relationship with robert altman. he's made two of my favorite films that i dearly love, but i just don't know. when i do know, i'll let you know. but anything lynch...i am all over. that's what you really need to be aware of.

a bit about the name
your first name of kari has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. as you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. this name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. you can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement. you respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you. yhere are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. you enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. in your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. you rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success. you could experience headaches, or problems with your teeth, ears, eyes, or sinuses. health weaknesses relative to the functioning of the liver could appear.

blood type a; "cool"
population is roughly 34% of the world is a+ and 6% a- a-tyes are obedient, careful, sympathetic, self-sacrificing, polite, honest, loyal, emotional, introverted & nervous. we are reserved calm and even tempered. sensitive to public opinion. may be introverted, shy and nervous or ill at ease with others. may be pessimistic. value relationships and are loyal. hesitant to change. nature lovers and dislike crowds - need a private place or secret hideaway. can be indecisive. good at team work and obey rules. dislike to touch or be touched by others

eastern zodiac; the rabbit
clever, peaceable, prudent, cultivated, gregarious, tactful, sensitive, companionable, virtuous, gifted, articulate, compassionate, the luckiest of all signs.

western zodiac; the taurus
the taurean's characteristics are solidity, practicality, extreme determination and strength of will - no one will ever drive them, but they will willingly and loyally follow a leader they trust. they are stable, balanced, conservative good, law-abiding citizens and lovers of peace, possessing all the best qualities of the bourgeoisie. as they have a sense of material values and physical possessions, respect for property and a horror of falling into debt, they will do everything in their power to maintain the security of the status quo and be somewhat hostile to change. mentally, they are keen-witted and practical more often than intellectual, but apt to become fixed in their opinions through their preference for following accepted and reliable patterns of experience. their character is generally dependable, steadfast, prudent, just, firm and unshaken in the face of difficulties. their vices arise from their virtues, going to extremes on occasion,such as sometimes being too slavish to the conventions they admire.
on rare occasions a taurean may be obstinately and exasperatingly self-righteous, unoriginal, rigid, ultraconservative, argumentative, querulous bores, stuck in a self-centered rut. they may develop a brooding resentment through nursing a series of injuries received and, whether their characters are positive or negative, they need someone to stroke their egos with a frequent, "well done!" most taureans are not this extreme though.they are faithful and generous friends with a great capacity for affection, but rarely make friends with anyone outside their social rank, to which they are ordinarily excessively faithful. in the main, they are gentle, even tempered, good natured, modest and slow to anger, disliking quarreling and avoiding ill-feeling. if they are provoked, however, they can explode into violent outbursts of ferocious anger in which they seem to lose all self-control. equally unexpected are their occasional sallies into humor and exhibitions of fun. although their physical appearance may belie it, they have a strong aesthetic taste, enjoying art, for which they may have a talent, beauty (recoiling from anything sordid or ugly) and music. they may have a strong, sometimes unconventional, religious faith. allied to their taste for all things beautiful is a love for the good things of life pleasure, comfort, luxury and good food and wine and they may have to resist the temptation to over indulgence, leading to drunkenness, gross sensuality, and covetousness. in their work, taureans are industrious and good craftspeople, and are not afraid of getting their hands dirty. they are reliable, practical, methodical and ambitious, within a framework of obedience to superiors. they are at their best in routine positions of trust and responsibility, where there is little need of urgency and even less risk of change, and a pension at the end. yet they are creative and good founders of enterprises where the rewards of their productiveness come from their own work and not that of others. they can flourish in many different trades and professions: banking, architecture, building, almost any form of bureaucracy, auctioneering, farming, medicine, chemistry, industry taureans make good managers and foremen surveying, insurance, education and, perhaps surprisingly, music and sculpture. they make an ideal trustee or guardian, and can attain eminence as a chef. some taureans are gifted enough in singing to become opera stars or to excel in more popular types of music. they are more than averagely amorous and sensually self-conscious, but sexually straightforward and not given to experiment. they make constant, faithful, home loving spouses and thoughtful, kindly parents, demanding too much of neither their spouses nor children. they can be over possessive and may sometimes play the game of engineering family roles for the pleasure of making up the quarrel. if anyone offends their amour proper they can be a determined enemy, though magnanimous in forgiveness if their opponent makes an effort to meet them halfway. no other sign in the zodiac is closer to earth then taurus. the main objective in leading a taurean life is primarily (though not entirely) to maintain stability and physical concerns. your inner spiritual sense longs for earthly harmony and wholesomeness. when you fully understand this, and work toward this end, you will no longer need to blindly reassure yourself with external possessions and comforts. a realization that finding this inner peace will cause all of the above mentioned positive things will overtake you and your life will be very full. ultimately the taurean needs to discover their truest, deepest and highest values. when they know what is truly valuable, they are no longer chained to people and to things that have to do with lesser values. the greatest indication of value to a taurean is beauty, which cannot be owned, only appreciated.

keirsey personality; infp
infp's never seem to lose their sense of wonder. one might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. it's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities. infp children often exhibit this in a 'calvin and hobbes' fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. with few exceptions, it is the nf child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with anne of green gables' "bookcase girlfriend"--her own reflection) and whose stuffed animals come to life like the velveteen rabbit and the skin horse.
infps have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. even for the most unlovable the infp is wont to have pity.
their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response.
of course, not all of life is rosy, and infps are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. as intps tend to have a sense of failed competence, infps struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., performance of duty for the greater cause. an infp friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, good vs. evil. luke skywalker in star wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "the force." although the dark side must be reckoned with, the infp believes that good ultimately triumphs. some infps have a gift for taking technical information and putting it into layman's terms. brendan kehoe's zen and the art of the internet is one example of this "de-jargoning" talent in action.
infps live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted feeling. being inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and toward essence and ideal. this introversion of dominant feeling, receiving its data from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these usually gentle beings. feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind between concern both for people and for all creatures great and small, and a psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. the "object," be it homo sapiens or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the degree that the object contains some measure of the inner essence or greater good. doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against man's inhumanity to mankind. extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on behalf of feeling. what the observer usually sees is creativity with implied good will. intuition spawns this type's philosophical bent and strengthens pattern perception. it combines as auxiliary with introverted feeling and gives rise to unusual skill in both character development and fluency with language--a sound basis for the development of literary facility. if intps aspire to word mechanics, infps would be verbal artists. sensing is introverted and often invisible. this stealth function in the third position gives infps a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness, however, feeling's strong people awareness provides a balancing, mitigating effect. this introverted sensing is somewhat categorical, a subdued version of sj sensing. in the third position, however, it is easily overridden by the stronger functions. the infp may turn to inferior extraverted thinking for help in focusing on externals and for closure. infps can even masquerade in their estj business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. the inferior, problematic nature of extraverted thinking is its lack of context and proportion. single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority than more salient principles which are all but overlooked.

googlism on kari
kari is classy; kari is here; kari is bad?; kari is a ballerina; kari is both talented and brilliant; kari is the core entity in performing the evaluation and certification of air navigation facilities and also in researching associated technologies; kari is ultramodern; kari is probably the video instructor i'd most like to meet; kari is the creator and star of four best selling fitness videos; kari is about to be sucked into the dark ocean place; kari is run by a board of management which oversees the affairs of the institute and makes decisions on policy matters; kari is the 2002 women's world hang gliding champion; kari is a very caring; kari is ready to see the world and take what it has to offer; kari is the host for an infomercial called "timesless romance collection"; kari is really cool and really hot; kari is a misfit; kari is 12 years old and lives in nevada with her parents and four sisters; kari is unconscious after the children's fall in the previous episode; kari is in the middle of a fog; kari is alright; kari is gonna kill you; kari is making water birth jokes; kari is getting a proper christmas bonus; kari is a spectacular music artist; kari is highly respected for the perfectionism she brings to each indexing assignment and for her willingness to share her knowledge and skills with others; kari is one of the most sought after live performers; kari is presumed to be sometime after 1860 as she not located in later census records; kari is the ultimate tragedy; kari is an extraordinary person; kari is seeking some shade inside the cabin after one of her snorkeling expeditions; kari is one of the craziest people i know


i claim no rights to the passages on my name, my star signs, my blood type, my keirsey personality, or what google thinks about me, just so we're all on the same page

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
© KL 02-11