2:40 a.m. x 2005-12-25

a little late, i thought i'd revise my biography.

my name's kari. pronounced like "car" (vroom vroom) and a long "eeee". that's norwegian.

i have a really intricate, complicated system of fiction. i keep a journal (written) that i record every development of this system of fictional things. it keeps me focused.

i love writing but i have a hard time sitting down to do it. cause i've got awful, awful fucking nerves.

i'm sensitive to sounds. i'm unpleasantly psycho librarian about silence some of (a lot of) the time. i just like quiet or very, very loud music on my headset to block out any other noise that might start to bother me.

i grapple with apathy. i hate people who don't give a shit about what they're doing, i really care about doing a good job, but it constantly comes up. it's a little depressive behavior. it's ridiculous. it's that "not centered in reality" thing. did i mention i keep a completely fictional written diary? like wtf.

i am a compulsive entertainer.

i love talking. i'm tough to shut-up if i'm in a talking mood, which is much of the time. i am not very ashamed of anything so i'm very open when i talk. i've had four therapists since i was ten, because i love that their job is to listen to me.

i love reading but it's very tough for me to find books. i intensely dislike most fiction because it isn't interesting to me. most fiction is either about things that are really mundane or are really outlandish/stupid. i prefer analytical texts. i love reading about trauma.

i'm stupidly obsessed with film.

my favorite director is david lynch. it's very intangible how he's my favorite. i like how he doesn't read to deep into it when he just gets an image that excites him. i love that. that's real artistry.

i drew for years. i'm damn fucking good at drawing and no one can tell me otherwise. i hate it now. i only draw two things that i made up and occassionally some of my friends.

i dislike immensely when others try and tell me i have a problem with something in a very patronizing, i-can-help-you manner. i'm used to being the helper. i need to be helped with some things, but i'm much better at introducing the fact that i need help and taking an active role in the helping.

i will own up to the anger problem. and the repulsion thing. i have a hard time taking people seriously because, as a defense mechanism, i automatically discredit what most people say to me. that gets to be a bitch at work when i can't take my managers seriously. i've mocked them in front of them. i believe that i haven't been fired because i truely make them nervous.

i'm not all that bad, either. depending, really.

i can't fucking stand love songs, but i love the beatles.

i love the beatles is practically an understatement. still. like, that had its heyday back when i was in 10th grade...i don't care, i'm still manically preoccupied with the beatles.

i don't lie. it's just something i don't do. but i feel like the relevance and credibility of my statements are never valid. i don't have a lot of confidence about statements on what i'm feeling, especially. they're hardly ever true or accurate.

i think totally in metaphor. no fucking wonder nobody gets it when i explain things, it's really all forgivable.

i'm very happy with myself. like standard happy, i think i'm cool and i like the way i look.

i have 600+ pictures of dita von teese on my computer. i love model photography, and i think she photographs wonderfully.

i don't think i'm psychic, per se, rather i think that i have some great, eerie intuition. unharnassed and barely useful, which is fine. but i have done things, said things, read things, like damn specific that arise later in terrible, terrible places.

before i leave my house to go out at night with friends, i like to watch the two party scenes from "eyes wide shut". it ensures me a nice time out.

i tend to talk a lot when i first meet people. a topic i frequently bring up is that, in high school, teachers could not stand me. i had a reputation or something. i was widely loathed. EVERY SINGLE PERSON with a point-something-percent exception respond with "i can't see how anyone could ever dislike you like that". that response almost always KILLS my opinion of the person. you miss the whole point of me if you don't get up front that i'm notorious.

i like religion, i think it's cute, but i'm very private about it. nobody on the face of the planet knows my specific beliefs. i don't believe in discussing them. i think communal prayer is exploitation. church services scare the shit out of me.

except for unitarian universalism. i love UU. they're seductive, like cocoa.

i try to come up with things that i like and i think "i don't really like that, it's just interesting". i think the thing i like most that i value over anything is writing and making things up.

it's the only way i get to communicate effectively.

i won't wear pants. it's a stubborn thing. i have this thing about gender, and it honestly has shit to do with clothes...but pants make me bitter, i guess.

i love school uniforms and sweater vests. they make me think of repressed eroticism, great lots of repressed eroticism.

i won't allow myself to dwell on it anymore, but i sent someone's life down the tubes (or gave it a great hand). she was close to me.

my dream job is to have a private psychology practice and be a fiction writer on the side, eventually accumulating enough to produce and direct and independant film.

my favorite song is "yellow submarine" by the beatles. it is the undisputed champion. "pretty polly" by queen adreena, "engine driver" by the decemberists, and just about anything by hole or jack off jill fall right below it.

i can't believe the luck i've had at meeting completely hilarious people. all of the people i've kept close company with have had senses of humor that i can appreciate and have appreciated mine.

my sense of humor is fairly bleak, handy for deflecting as well as determining what others can take.

i was in the bottom 15% of my graduating class. the vast majority of my peers believed i was an honor student (which i never brought up, i'm just a smart kid and i come off as smart, i just don't do the damn work).

i'm a courtney love fangirl. the first mention of her i ever heard dealt with her being disliked. at the time i was disliked. i felt an affinity.

i'm currently in what i considered in high school to be the worst case scenario.

i'm obsessed with victim-aggressor dynamics and group psychology. my closest friends are like an orchestra of psychosis. they're wonderful.

speaking of orchestras, we used to speak in code about some of our friends as if they were instruments. there's evidence of this throughout past entries.

i'm having a great time now. great times are measured against my eleventh grade first semester, because things were really terrible and at the same time i was having a fantastic time. things were black and i only remember being happy. everyone else feels the same way. everybody sort of mutually saved one another.

i have sixteen criterion DVDs. they are: the phantom of liberty, jules & jim, bande a part, contempt, eyes without a face, fat girl, i am curious - yellow, i am curious - blue, naked lunch, m, la strada, otto e mezzo, scenes from a marriage, peeping tom, juliet of the spirits, and the night porter.

"good day" by the dresden dolls (voila) sounds a great deal like me. as does "rid of me" by pj harvey.

i'm an amateur jew. i dabble.

i finished valley of the dolls in one sitting.

i have a computer that is 90% full of my entire music collection. the first cd i ever owned was "race of a thousand camels" by boa, which is an awesome cd. "serpentine gallery" by switchblade symphony, "bloody kisses" by type o negative and "when the kite string pops" by acid bath were other early ones.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11