love as outrage and hallucination madness and transformation

1:15 p.m. x 2002-09-26

hey all you lucky little freatures (freature = freak of nature). today the amazing myss k@ri is gonna explain weird shit to you. *applause*

TOPIC 1: LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

love love love...ever been in love? it's not all the euphoria it's cracked up to be but enough to keep you wanting to go back to it...it reminds me of heroin (see the last entry on where i got my morals...you shouldn't aquire your worldly views from "rolling stone"). i've never been in love per se...or rather IN love as in a loving relationship where i feel the same way as you do about me...it's always been unfair and uneven. in my one significant relationship he loved me 100000000x than i did him, and you should NEVER be in a relationship where there's THAT much of a gap, 'acuzz then you get a DOWNER. a DOWNER is a significant other that emotionally and mentall DRAINS you which usually comes from a gap in the amount of how much you love each other. ask jason, sara was a downer for him, andrew/tsk/gimp was a downer for me, this does in NO WAY ensure that the person themself is a downer in all stuations at all...andrew's still a good and valued friend, but we in relationship is *blah*. want a good love life? watch out for the downers...and know the value of your affection. never lose sight of the fact that YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOUR LOVE JUST AS MUCH AS YOU ARE TO HAV THEIRS. as soon as your affection becomes poison your heart loses its capabilities. i know.

here's what i wrote down one day on love:

it was while i was watching 'lolita', the version with jeremy irons and dominique swain, that i felt a really deep, burgeoning understanding for a person and the way they love. humbert humbert was in love with dolores "lolita" haze, and based on that fact alone he was a twisted, sick little pedophiliac, right? well...yes, it's freely stated in the movies and book that hum was attracted to just barely pubescent girls because of his first romance at age 14 with a girl who died within months of their meeting. what he saw in lolita wasn't so much sex as a sacred, beautiful creature...his polar opposite. he as the repressed pedophile and her as the hyper nymphet were equally countered corruption and innocence. just who willed who into their love affair? i sympathize completely with humbert because that is very close to how i love. i'm not a pedophile, but i look for love in things that counteract me like that. and just like him, it's all the things i shouldn't be in love with.

TOPIC 2: SEX

i'm a virgin, i don't feel bad about it...mmmkay, of my nine friends, there are three virgins and then me. the three are my ex, the NUN, and my friend who's saving herself for twiggy ramirez. around the middle of '00 i aquired POSTTRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER which, according to mentalhealth.com:

The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present: the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways: recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. recurrent distressing dreams of the event. acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur on awakening or when intoxicated).

has a feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following: difficulty falling or staying asleep, irritability or outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, hypervigilance , exaggerated startle response

The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Associated Features :Somatic/Sexual Dysfunction & Guilt/Obsession

hmm...alright here's my blurb on sexuality from my autobiography (shut up...yes i am writing one...):

when i was ten up until i was fourteen i was pretty obsessed with boys. this has a lot of facets to it. when i was nine i discovered my first crush, and everybody made fun of me for it because he looked like a girl. i like femmy guys...i dunno where it came from but i have forever. a little after i hit puberty when i was ten, i was watching a lingerie commercial on tv, and i had a lesbian revelation. i had it in private for about three years, and was a little confused with my sexual preference after that. late into thirteen i saw a boy walk past my bus and thought 'i am not a lesbian if i get really into him'. big surprise...i ended up really obsessing over the poor guy. i hope he never knew my name and that no one told him i liked him. me liking you can mess things up. onto a more general view of sexuality...after a clear-headed (haha) two-year period of thinking and speculating, the female gender in general became very cheapened to me. a big point i made to myself was that in a movie or a tv show you could see a girl's breasts or prosthetic ones or something. but you'd never see a guy's "ding-ding", and even dildos get blurred out. i wish i was a guy a lot, i don't think my sexual preferences/femininity factor would change at all...i wouldn't want it to...but sometimes, a lot of times, i feel cheapened by my gender. see? there is something wrong with the marketing of women today...

there were other parts of that but you don't want to see them ^-^;;;.

TOPIC 3: RELIGION

contrary to popular belief: holy fucking shit i believe in god. no...not THAT god...but a god. this particular god took me since fifth/sixth grade to make up, getting a bit derailed by a show called SERIAL EXPERIMENTS LAIN (that changed my outlook on life forever). but after i saw that show i actually thought about what god was, and came up with a few ideas i have written down here somewhere...eh, i'll stick them in here when i find them.

anyway...ORGANIZED religion? hmm, i hate it. take for example christianity. roman catholicism is one of my favorite religions to study about, i love reading about religion and christianity's a pretty interesting one but GOD...it would be more approachable if some christians weren't so flipping IGNORANT. thank you very much but i am not the antichrist...all previous experiences aside, churches are beautiful, the bible is interesting (although i dunno how you could take it word-for-word seriously), and jesus was a goth. don't misuse religion, it's a really ugly mistake to make in life.

i'll continue with the babbling later...TRUST ME...*plots*...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11