4:52 p.m. x 2003-11-21
i'm not a candid person.
i'm a secure, loquacious open book with whome no topic is too sensitive or sacred, and i've never shied away from discussing my feelings or issues with others.
when that all changed, i'm not sure. i don't remember always being so repressed and so unable to communicate anything about how i'm feeling.
the thing that has scared me the most lately hasn't been how bad i've felt - it's how poorly i've shown it. it is one thing to feel utterly miserable and cry, and quite another to feel utterly miserable and talk and act as you would any other day. and you're still utterly miserable but it isn't going anywhere. it's stirring about you and twisting and knotting and attaching itself to otherwise good things...
...and suddenly i'm scared like i've never been scared before to say a single thing about it. and i've tried. every oppertunity that's presented itself i breathe and concentrate and try and just say it. just admit it. nothing's happened, and it's been two weeks. and when i spoke to counselor woman...she reacted very well, but still was taken with an element of surprise and suspicion that i'm afraid everyone will have.
i'm very afraid right now in general.
i wrote myself a letter today about why this is all happening now as opposed to all the other many more explainable times it could've happened, and while i was satisfied with my analysis of the situation i still just felt really really stupid.
please, if you're reading this i probably really like you. do not ask me what this is about. this is...*huff*...a very bad place i'm in and haven't gotten anywhere near the point of being able to talk about it yet. kind and encouraging words are invited, but - i'm sorry - questions, for now, will be ignored.
and to aggrivate it all the more: the recurring topic of conversation i detest. here's my little press release on the matter: I'M NOT STRAIGHT OR GAY OR BI OR ANYTHING. i'm not fit for dealing with others in such a manner, and lately that VERY sensitive topic has been repeatedly ignited around me. i'm not mad at those who've brought it up, but i'm seethingly enraged at myself for having it be an issue.
my relationships with others in general are apparently a huge issue, and apparently i'm not equipped with the basic social abilities that enable one to HAVE a relationship. i hear that.
or perhaps i'm being pessimistic (which i've also never been). despite all this other shit today my brother went out after school with a bunch of his friends. my brother's 11. he went bowling with these boys who he really trusted and liked as friends and they absolutely positively FUCKING SCREWED HIM OVER, and he spent the entire time crying and vomiting in the bathroom. he's in as bad a way as i am now, and handling it in the same fucked-up, sporadically repressed way as i usually do. i felt like jumping out of my skin and screaming bloody murder when he said the exact same word-for-word fucking statement i'd been harping and hearing and writhing in for so many years: WHAT IS SO HORRIBLY WRONG WITH ME THAT I CANNOT MAKE ONE FRIEND?
i feel so sick. maybe this is a good thing that i'm getting this all out now so i can have a better weekend with clare (and jack <333). mer. i don't know what it is.
or maybe i do. but that's just...horrible.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start