every thought that occurred misleading makes me want to give myself a beating

9:34 p.m. x 2006-04-02

it's serendipitous how he and i would end up in the same spot...well, not exactly the same. i'm pulling ahead slightly. i've been through it, he's meandering by the entrance.

talk to her. if you love her, if you're her friend - noun, somebody who cares about her and never wants to see her hurt and will stand by her no matter what, you will appreciate how she feels and you will understand - and NO you may not, i can even say you won't because i know you're a lot like me...you may not understand right away the place you hold in her heart.

and no, it isn't that place. even though you know that if you had a chance at it, you could be the greatest thing that ever happened to her. you sit next to her all the time and you think that, you KNOW that - what's stopping her? why when all your friends think it, and the whole school thinks it, and clerks that help you in stores think it, and random people in public places think it, and parents and waiters and even your stupid little subconscious in moments of extreme frazzlement thinks it...

...WHY DOESN'T SHE?

i feel you, man. i REALLY do. and yes, let's suppose she does give you "a chance". because you're friends. and you knock yourself out. you ARE that most wonderful boyfriend, you buy her things, you call her because you're thinking of her, you randomly visit her, you make her ridiculous presents, you ALWAYS make time for her simply because if you didn't...if you didn't then you'd only wish she was there. because her just being there makes the whole day into something different. and the effect is incredible. you can't believe it. it stuns you.

and maybe her heart isn't there.

her beautiful, adoring heart that you've seen cry over the boy that she knocked herself out over and did amazing, spontaneous things for and loved beyond all reason. that heart turns away from you and you can't understand why. it just hurts. it just fucking sucks. she sits there woefully and bemoans how awful a person she is, how ugly and unworthy and you KNOW that she isn't. and you TELL her that she isn't. it seems to take up MOST OF YOUR TIME.

and it seems to be broadcast from a million miles away, hitting her ear at an angle that fuzzes it into something with all the impact of a wet cotton ball.

and the person that made you feel the most worth-it you've ever felt, who got you through the day, you realize you can't be that one for them. you are willing to take responsibility, hell, you kick ASS at that responsibility when you stealthily take the oppertunity to...but it isn't your resonsibility.

and yeah...that blows on every concievable level. wholly understood and widly empathized. it's a tender, sad little thing to see...to get close and be privy to that part of a person and be familiar with and appreciate that brilliant, amazing part of them AND GET INTO THAT CORNER...that deadly corner of ambiguity. i suppose that all i can say is don't ever quit loving her. don't ever give up on her. support her always. but do it because you love her, and you want to see her energy flower into the way it benefits her the most. you want her to be happy.

"yes" you say.
"i do" you say. you're content for a second while you let that stir...
"but why can't she be happy with ME??!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!"

because there's somebody out there who IS WAITING to be happy with you. and that may seem totally unbelievable when you look at her and think that nobody else could match how she makes you feel...that may be a killer. the sun rises and sets in her. she can fix all your problems with a glint in her eyes and a tap on your cheek, but you're suddenly struck powerless. once you felt limitless, and suddenly you can't stop hitting walls.

there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and if she loves you, and holy shit, why wouldn't she...if she's your friend, she will remain by your side. your efforts will not go to waste. she will know she can always count on you and you understand everything. you will have this tearful thing between you, but please...JUST LIE AND SAY YOU WANT TO SEE HER WITH A BOY THAT MAKES HER HAPPY!

cause you're lying, you son of a bitch. you want her to be with you. but she won't be. let her go look for a boy she wants to be with. never stop being there for her if you really love her.

because if it's meant to be, it'll be. if not, something else will...and no, it doesn't keep it from sucking. but hell, you aren't alone.

believe in yourself. like you believe in her. and if your heart breaks, i'll listen. because this is something i've scaled. and i'm alive.

a little.

(certainly i am, because i have an amazing friend...)

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11